God Speaks

Wow. Sometimes I wish I could just plug my brain into the computer, and the journey God is taking me on would be perfectly transcribed into a blog post... because my words feel so inadequate. For starters, God is so so good. I cannot even begin to give you a glimpse of His goodness that has been so beautifully evident in my life. It is incredible to think back to barely over one month ago--before this whole journey started--and see how much God has already revealed to and taught me. There seems to be a breaking point in each new lesson, where I feel like I have nothing left and cannot keep going; but every time I turn the corner, I see the beauty of what He's just taught me and feel the strength... HIS strength... carrying me on to the next step. How cool is that?!

So I finally turned that 'next corner' this afternoon. The past few days have been rough, both Sunday and Tuesday ending in a bucketful of tears. I spent time with my family this weekend and sort of emotionally struggled through the weekend. Then on the way home this past Sunday, I reached the end of myself and felt completely overwhelmed, discouraged, and just weary with life. I ended that evening talking to my beautiful roommate, Carmen. We discussed why it is that we can so clearly see truth in other people's lives, and yet be so blinded to that same truth in our own lives. For instance, I had shared so excitedly with some ministry friends earlier that day about the big God we serve and how they just needed to 'go in the strength' that they had, and God would do big things! Yet, that very same evening, I was facing total despair about my upcoming move to China and how I wasn't 'enough.' As we talked, God brought back to my heart the words my dad had shared with me this weekend. Just recently, he did the service for his brother's funeral. He told me that the entire time he was trying to prepare for that service, it was just like he couldn't do it. Finally, the night before the funeral, he shared with my mom what he had come up with, only for her to point out that he hadn't used the verses my aunt had asked him to use. So it was like starting over. But God showed Himself so mightily the next day. My dad said that the morning of the funeral, while we were all at the church singing some praise songs, it was like God was pouring into him the words He wanted him to share at that service... so by time he got up to share, he was ready. My dad said that day changed him... it changed his faith. He said that he now lives expectantly, just waiting for the next time God is going to show up and do something that he can't do. What a way to live! Not wondering 'if' God is going to come through, but just wondering when and how He's going to come do something beyond our abilities! So Carmen and I talked about that and about how we should live expecting victory, rather than expecting defeat the way we had been! What an insult that must be to our God... the God of the Universe lives inside of us--and we recognize His power and victory in other people's lives--but we falter when it comes to our own lives, expecting failure and defeat. The Israelites lived that way. Instead of remembering all of the mighty works God did for them and trusting Him to come through again, they would cry out about how they were going to die out in the desert (expecting defeat) and how they should have just stayed in Egypt to die... and I believe God WAS insulted. His anger burned against the Israelites over and over again. He longed for them to trust Him for the victory that He continually brought them! So it was a beautiful, encouraging conversation with Carmen that night, and we decided we needed to live expecting that victory. But it wasn't quite the end of the beautiful lesson God was teaching me...

Last night, I fell apart again. My quickly-approaching departure date had been sinking in more and more, and I just melted into a ridiculous puddle of tears. I believe the resounding words in my brain were, "It's so soon... I'm not ready." I shared my fears with Andrew about how I was going to be a disaster whenever I talked to him on skype. I had learned--or thought I had learned--the 'expecting victory' lesson, so I did believe that God would give victory and do things beyond my ability. However, I still expected to fall apart every night in my apartment by myself, after holding it together all day. I was trying to be realistic and knew that, although God is so faithful, He does still allow us to struggle... and God even tells us that life will be hard. Andrew was so super encouraging and reminded me that God's got me... I just have to go. Such a beautiful reminder... so I emotionally 'returned' for a little while again.

Apparently though, I'm a slow kid, so this story continues into today. I was talking to Carmen again and told her how she shouldn't talk to me on skype once I moved, because I would be a mess--to which she responded, "It sounds like you're expecting defeat, Katherine." I blurted out my 'being realistic' argument... several different times in several different ways... but Carmen was rather persistent. ;) Finally, I shared that God has been faithful to me my whole life, but I've still always been 'a mess' when I face new things... even new little things... that's just the person I've always been. Conclusion? If God has been ever faithful to me, and yet I've still struggled the way I do through each 'new thing' I've faced in my life, He can be faithful and bring victory in China and still allow me to be a disaster when I am alone and weary of being strong. At that point, Carmen simply said, "What does God say about all of this? Let's ask Him." She stopped right there and asked God to speak to me about all of this. Ohhh, such little faith that I have... as soon as she stopped praying, my mind went every which way, just wandering and thinking about anything it could get its hands on... and I honestly didn't expect God to say anything to me... or at least for me to be able to hear it because my mind wouldn't clear itself. But out of nowhere, this verse entered my mind: "Remember not the former things... Behold, I am doing a new thing..." (Isaiah 43:18-19). I honestly was grasping to figure out where that had come from and could barely contain myself when I realized that God had directly answered Carmen's prayer and had spoken straight to my heart. It was like He was straight up telling me, "Katherine, forget the way you've always struggled through life... because I want to do something new." Dude. The God of the Universe knows me... He knows how I've always been and the weak person that I still am today... and He asked me to forget all of that and let Him do something new. We read the whole chapter of Isaiah 43 together, and there were just some beautiful verses in there: "But now thus says the LORD, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you'" (43:1-2). "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. The wild beasts will honor me, the jackals and the ostriches, for I give water in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise" (43:18-21). I was overwhelmed to tears with gratitude that my God, my King, had spoken so clearly to my heart. When Carmen and I prayed together, we asked God to help us not expect victory to 'just get by,' which seemed to be what I was believing. God wants to bring us complete, ultimate, total victory in Him. I think that for much of my life, I have chosen to settle for partial victory, letting Him do big things around and through me, but still struggling in my heart instead of accepting the victory He wants to have there as well.

I want that victory... total victory... AND I want to learn--moment by moment on this journey God has me on--how to expect and believe Him to bring that victory. So to start this victory adventure, I am now documenting my glimpse of some beautiful victory today, Wednesday, August 10, 2011. God spoke to my heart and told me to forget the former things, for behold... He wants to do something new... and right about now, I'm all about new things. Commence... enjoyment of the ride! ;)