The Battle is Real

"The story of your life is the story of a long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it." --John Eldredge

So, as pessimistic as it may sound, I feel like this quote paints a perfect picture of what I have been facing the past few weeks. I’ve tried to describe it to several different people, but I basically just feel crazy whenever I do… I feel like nobody understands. This spiritual battle can be a lonely one because, in a way, you have to face it alone… nobody else can see or feel the attacks… nobody else knows you’re being attacked… and even when you try to share the pain from the attacks, it’s not as real to anyone else as it is to you. I know people are praying for me, and I know I’m not alone. God is so faithfully fighting for me, even when I can’t feel that; and He has surrounded me by incredible people that are so patient with me. Yet this battle is wearing me down…

To give you the full story, I guess it really started right after I decided to go to China (although I saw glimpses of it weeks before that). Instead of being excited about this amazing door God had opened, I was scared out of my mind. People kept telling me that being afraid isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it was crippling. It was stealing my joy… whenever I thought about China I felt sick… it was an exhausting burden to carry around… and I couldn’t shake it. I knew all the ‘right words’. I was reading through Deuteronomy, and time after time, God commanded the Israelites not to fear. He reminded them of all He had done—starting with His bringing them out of Egypt and continuing through every miraculous evidence of His faithful care for them. Why should they fear? It was absolutely ridiculous the way the Israelites ran back to fear over and over again when God over and over again showed Himself so faithful. As I read through this book, I was so convicted by my own fear. Why was I afraid? God has shown just as much faithfulness throughout my life as He did through the Israelites. He has *never* let me down, and He has endlessly shown Himself to me, bringing me unscathed through the toughest times I’ve had to face. But the fear was still there—very powerfully evident in my every day. I limped through each of these days, being overwhelmed by fear and not knowing how to overcome it, until Saturday, July 9^th, when God broke through. I was again reading in Deuteronomy, encountering the same instructions not to fear, and feeling yet again helpless in figuring out how to heed those instructions. I called my mom and asked for her prayers, and she prayed for me on the phone right away. I then got off, read some more out of Deuteronomy, and finished a chapter in the book Radical. And God did some radical things for sure. Again, every time I try to explain what happened, I realize that only I will ever *fully* know the huge work God did in my heart… but He really rocked my world. Everything I read in that chapter was exactly what I needed to hear. It was like God used the words to chip away at the burden on my shoulders, until He finally destroyed it altogether, leaving me feeling… free. The main quote that continued ringing through my heart came from a man named C. T. Studd:

Too long have we been waiting for one another to begin! The time for waiting is past!...Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, aye, before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby-pamby Christian world, we will dare to trust our God,…and we will do it with His joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die trusting only in our God than live trusting in man. And when we come to this position the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight. We will have the real Holiness of God, not the sickly stuff of talk and dainty words and pretty thoughts; we will have a Masculine Holiness, one of daring faith and works for Jesus Christ.

God completely lifted the burden that I had been struggling to stand up underneath. He simply removed it. The fear was gone. In its place was a joy and excitement that had been eluding me since I had made the decision to go to China. I would dare to trust my GOD! And I would do so with unspeakable joy singing in my heart! I didn’t have to fear China or anything else, because God would have His way. Yes, it’s true that, on my own, this China journey would be disastrous. But I am not going on my own. I am going with the God who has called me there, and He will use my weaknesses to show His power! Victory. Victory through my sweet Jesus. He fought for me, and He brought victory that I had been and would remain powerless to attain by myself. It was so beautiful. I couldn’t help but just worship Him and thank Him…

But sadly, I feel like I’ve lost sight of that victory. The battle and the attacks have become progressively more intense, and I don’t know how to fight or even how to continue to stand. Before, I could explain ‘what’ it was that was bothering me—fear—but now I can’t even fully put into words how I am being attacked. It’s as if the enemy is attacking my heart and tearing down my very person. I don’t feel like me anymore. I’m sad and frustrated and even almost angry inside… and that’s not who I am. I’m so heavy and weighted down again. I feel dead inside. I am defeated. I don’t know how to fight… I can’t even ask people to pray for me anymore. I spend about as much time crying as I do not. And even just writing all of this, I feel so dramatic and ridiculous! How can something so invisible as this spiritual battle be so real and deep and intense that it is tearing me apart inside? I am in a bad place, and I don’t know how to leave here. I’m going to China, but part of me feels like it doesn’t matter… like it doesn’t matter where I am, I will be defeated. I have no hope, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. But my God is fighting for me. I pray for victory… I pray that He brings victory to defeat the hopelessness I am facing—just as He did to overcome my fear. I can’t continue to fight on my own because I am too weak… but He isn’t. Deuteronomy 32:36 says, “For the LORD will vindicate His people, and will have compassion on His servants, when He sees that their strength is gone.” And 31:8 says, “The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” My strength is gone, so I pray that He will have compassion on me… I pray that He will go ahead of me, be with me, and will not fail me or forsake me…

…I am in desperate need of Him; and as I write that one statement, I wonder if, for a season, maybe this isn’t such a bad place to be after all… I think the enemy knows what I can be and do through my God who wants to be and do crazy things through me. I am nothing and can do nothing. But the God inside of me brings fear to the enemy. So that same God inside of me can bring victory over the enemy’s attacks! Until I see that victory, I must remain completely, desperately dependent upon my Jesus and remember His truths and His promises...