Chosen for China

"You did not choose me, but I chose you..." (John 15:16).

So several times just today, in different locations at different events, different people shared this verse. Each time I heard it, I thought it was an encouraging reminder... but it wasn't until I was sitting on the back of my brother's bike tonight--as he drove through the streets of Tianjin, China talking to his Chinese friend--that God really built on these initial thoughts about this verse. He chose me... He didn't just accept me when I chose Him... or decide He'd put up with me because I wanted to choose Him... no, I didn't even choose Him. He--the God of the Universe--chose me. First of all, He created me just the way He wanted me. Secondly, He then chose me to be His daughter and to use me. That was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear today, to say the least.

For some reason, it's been a rather tough time here in Tianjin visiting my brother. I've mostly been tagging along with whatever things are happening here, which is awesome... my brother and sister-in-law are stinking amazing... and, of course, their friends are super cool too... but there's been something about being here that has been pretty discouraging. I think it may be because there have been several things I've gone to where everyone is just speaking Mandarin for much of the time. Something about it set me off on this, "I'm never going to learn this language, I'm incompetent, I'm inadequate, I'm useless" train, and it's been hard not to let it knock me over. I've been surrounded by such cool, smart, funny, equipped, Mandarin-speaking people that it's made me question myself. And I've met so many other people that I would just *love* to be able to talk to and get to know and build relationships with, but it's pretty much impossible because we can't communicate. Of course this is one of those 'stages' I guess I was supposed to be prepared for, but it has just hit me hard. So as I was sitting on the back of that bike tonight, watching the cars drive by us, periodically looking up at the few visible stars, listening to my brother and his friend talk away, praying for their conversation, etc, etc, God brought that verse back to my mind... and He spoke to me pretty clearly. If the words He spoke to my heart would have been verbalized, I feel they could have gone something like this:

Hi daughter, it's Me. I just wanted to remind you tonight that I chose you. I created you exactly the way I wanted you to be, and I chose you to be my very own daughter. I *love* the way you are--exactly the way you are, not the way you want to be... that's why I made you that way. I didn't make you like the other people you've been meeting and wishing you could be more like, because I wanted you to be the way you are for my very special purposes. & I chose you to go to China this year for my very special purposes as well. I know you don't know exactly why you're here... and that you feel pretty inadequate and incompetent right now. But you are, through My strength, perfectly adequate to do exactly what I've called you to do. I will help you learn the things you need to learn to be used for My purposes and My glory, so don't fret. Just remember... you were chosen for China, right here and right now. Don't question who you are. Just know that you are Mine...

 So as much as I'm still feeling heavy and somewhat... just sad or discouraged I guess... those words meant so much to me tonight. I was then able to get some time playing my brother's guitar and just worshiping for a bit, and I ended up playing this song:

Water You turned into wine, opened the eyes of the blind
There's no one like You, none like You
Into the darkness You shine, out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You, none like You

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, our God

Into the darkness You shine, out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You, none like You

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, our God

And if our God is for us
Then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us
Then what could stand against?

In and of myself, I am completely inadequate. I cannot learn Mandarin. I cannot build meaningful relationships. I cannot accomplish anything in China of any significance. However, thankfully, I do not live life 'in and of myself.' This God that is greater, stonger, higher than any other... healer, awesome in power... that God lives inside of me and wants to do things through me that are much much bigger than I... and if HE is for me, then what on earth, pray tell, is going to be able to stop or stand against me? 

To wrap this up... I am simply in dire need of my Savior to live the life He wants me to live... I ended my time of singing with this song:

I need Thee ev'ry hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford

I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

I need Thee ev'ry hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power when Thou art night

I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

I need Thee ev'ry hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide or life is vain

I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

I need The ev'ry hour, teach me Thy will
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill

I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

I need Him...every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, I need Him more than anyone or anything else. I woke up this morning feeling defeated and discouraged, and the overwhelming thought on my mind was, 'Jesus, I need you so SO badly.' I'm ending with that same thought, except I think it's a more hope-filled thought. This morning it was a thought of desperation, filled with despair. Tonight it's a thought of confidence, knowing that--while it's true that I am desperately in need of Him--it's also okay, because I am His, and He is mine... so that need for Him is being met!

In conclusion, for some reason which I do not yet know, I have been chosen for China right now... and the Chooser is much more than capable of using me for that which He has chosen me...