So I feel like I’ve been wrestling with God lately—searching for some
understanding and clarity especially in the area of prayer. But until today, I
hadn’t been getting any answers and didn’t know quite how to keep going. In
fact, I really feel like there’s been a wall up between God and me. This all
started several weeks ago as I started grappling over the issue of healing and
praying for healing. What is that supposed to look like? Does God still want to
heal today the way that He healed in the New Testament? Do we limit the healing
He wants to do because we don’t ask for it or don’t believe that He will answer
it? Are we supposed to pray in confidence that He will heal, the way His
disciples did? What if He doesn’t ‘want’ to heal or has reasons not to do so?
Do we pray ‘Your will be done,’ or is that simply praying without faith, trying
to ‘give God (or ourselves) an out or excuse’ if healing doesn’t occur? Of
course, I don’t have a shred of doubt that God *can* heal. But I do find myself
living in great doubt that He ever will. It seems that these days He most often
chooses not to… but is that because He has other plans, or because we limit
Him, as His disciples did with their small faith (Matthew 17:19-20)?
After beginning this battle, I went to my English small group last
Monday night and was driven even further into this quest. We listened to a
message by a man who has lived in many different places—including the Middle
East—because God took him to those places to serve Him. He told story after
story of the intense things God did. Miraculous things. Mind-boggling things. The
people from these stories spoke with confidence about what their God would do
to show Himself to people, even when those people doubted. One story that stood
out to me especially was when this family was living in the Middle East. They
lived outside of the area that was protected by American troops, so it was very
dangerous. The speaker’s two children had to travel through a very perilous
area to go to and from school each day. He lived in anxiety that something
would happen to them and finally couldn’t take it anymore. One night, he was
out on the roof, and he just cried out to God… “God, I don’t believe that you
are either capable of or willing to protect my children!” After crying out to
God in this way, he happened to look over to the building beside him, and on
the roof of the next building was an American soldier with a gun, standing
guard. He proceeded to look to each side of him and saw soldiers positioned all
around. Wow, right? But as encouraging as this story was on the surface, I couldn’t
grasp it on a deeper level. God isn’t
always willing to protect people’s children. He lets things happen. Children
die. Parents die. Painful things happen, regardless of our prayers or the faith
behind those prayers. If that’s true, why do we pray? What is the point? Who is
prayer for? What good does it do? What is it supposed to look like? How do we
pray in faith and confidence, having big faith for God to do big things, when
He doesn’t always choose to? Are we supposed
to pray with confidence? How do we know what we should pray for? Is it a
lack of faith on my part when my prayers aren’t answered the way I pray them to
be answered?
questions
spinning
swirling
slipping
startling
scaring
stealing…
I left that small group in tears, not knowing how to answer any of
these questions. And for the next week, I continued not knowing how to answer
these questions. I slipped further and further away from God as I didn’t see
the purpose of prayer… why should I pray when God is going to do whatever He
wants in the end? That question haunted me. I tried to pray, but my prayers
were so half-hearted, they seemed empty. I didn’t believe He would answer any
of them. And the times I prayed that He would help me answer these questions…
would help me get past this blockage… I didn’t believe He would answer those
prayers either. So I was stuck in the middle of this terrible circle… praying
that I could get past my feeling that prayer didn’t matter, but not believing
that I ever would because I didn’t believe He would answer that prayer either! Why
was I praying? Why had I ever been praying? A wall began climbing higher and growing thicker between us.
And then I did the only thing I knew how to do, as I felt like I was
drowning and starting to care less and less… I sent out a request to my prayer
warrior team and just asked them to pray for me. If I couldn’t pray for myself,
somebody would have to pray for me. It seemed a last ditch effort—one final pitiful
attempt to salvage any of this part of me I was so quickly losing. But I’m
writing today to tell you all… that God hears prayers. That’s the only thing I
knew to do… but it must have been the thing I needed. Thank you all for praying
for me when I couldn’t pray for myself.
I woke up this morning not feeling much different—maybe slightly less
discouraged, but nothing huge. My mom had called while I was sleeping, so I
called her back; and the longer we talked, it was as if the bricks of that wall were thrown down, one at a time,
until… by the time I got off the phone, I felt like I could talk to God again
without the emptiness. I could really talk to Him. And I did. And then I spent
some time worshiping, thanking Him. At first I thought, wow, my mom had just
the right things to say. But then it hit me… the prayers lifted up for me by
those I asked… those prayers were answered. It was those prayers that had
shaken me from the grasp the enemy had on me. I honestly believe that those
same words my mom shared this morning could have been spoken to me before, and
they would have done nothing, had people not been praying for me. The power of
prayer rang through my heart again as I realized it was the very thing I had
been doubting that was freeing me from that doubt… How ironically beautiful is
that?
I’ll try to share some of what my mom shared with me, although more
than the words themselves… I realize that God answered the prayers of those who
lifted me to Him.
My mom shared that it’s not about whether or not our prayers are
answered. God is bigger than that. He sees what needs to be done. But it is about praying… offering the prayer,
but being willing for it not to be in His plan. She said she asked God the
other day for a 4-leaf clover, so she could give it to someone she knew for a
specific reason. She started glancing through the clovers, but didn’t want to
take long and knew that it was okay if He didn’t want to give her one, so she
stood up to leave. Still glancing down as she was beginning to walk away, she saw
a clover that practically yelled out, J
“Pick me! Pick me!” And there was her 4-leaf clover. A small example? Yeah… but
pretty cool. She was then able to boast about God and the way He answered to
the person she gave this 4-leaf clover to. She had the opportunity to praise God,
which is what it’s all about anyways. Would she have been devastated had she
not found a 4-leaf clover? Of course not. But it was cool when she did. She offered
that prayer, and then was completely willing for it not to be in His plan.
Another thing that she said really hit me as well. She mentioned the
whole idea of sensationalism—when we start looking at the healing, the miracle,
the circumstance, the gold dust, the 4-leaf clover, the whatever… instead of
God. That’s not what it’s about. When I heard story after story from that
speaker about the incredible things that God did… my reaction wasn’t, wow, my
God is incredible. My reaction was, what’s wrong with me or my prayers that I’m
not seeing ‘those things’ in my life? Yeah, that fits pretty well with
sensationalism, eh? That is not what prayer is about. And when it becomes about
that in my mind, then I’m praying
for the wrong reasons. But then she continued to say that, even though we don’t
want to get caught up in sensationalism,
that it is sensational when we walk
by faith and see the ways God comes through. I had started taking notes on our
conversation by this point, J
so here’s what my mom said:
It is sensational
when we can ask for a 4-leaf clover, find it or not, and be excited. I can ask
for wisdom for the night and then just kind of let the night unfold—not manipulating,
controlling, forcing… but yet being receptive. That’s sensational when He comes
through. The stuff with Cassie [my friend that I’ve previously shared stories
about all that God’s doing in her life]—that’s sensational; but you were just
walking in simple faith and trusting, asking, hoping, throwing out a little
something here and a little something there. But you know, when I read the
story or hear you tell the story, it’s sensational. For you, it’s encouraging
and sensational [now too], but in the process, it [was] just walking by faith,
by trusting, hoping… but it’s sensational. Your friend that you prayed over for
healing didn’t wake up the next morning and go, ‘Ahh! I’ve been healed!’ but we
don’t know what’s been going on there. But it’s sensational that you were a
little intimidated or uncertain of even approaching her, but… that you did that
and that she responded so well. All those things in and of themselves seem so
small and insignificant, but they’re really awesome. They’re a walk of trust.
It’s right where He wants us.
It is a walk of trust. It is right where He wants us… praying for
things, but trusting Him with the results… trusting that His results are
sensational, whether they seem to be
or not… praying with confidence, yes—not necessarily confidence that He will
answer the way we expect, but confidence that He will answer in the most
sensational way, as God always does. Hearing story after story of what God is
doing in someone else’s life sounds sensational because God does do sensational things. But He always does sensational things… in my
life too… they just feel different because I live them out, one tiny, scared
step at a time—not knowing what He’s doing now or is going to do next. He is a
sensational God—as the dictionary says of this word, “exceedingly
or unexpectedly excellent or great”… yes, that is my God. And I must remember
to look at my sensational God, not the things He does—in someone else’s life or
in my own. The things He does shouldn’t cause me to stay focused on those
things, but should turn me directly back to Him.
So let’s ask for a 4-leaf clover, find it or not, and
be excited… because whatever way He chooses to answer—whether we can understand
or see it at the time—sure is going to be the most exciting, beautiful way we
could ever imagine.
I still don’t understand prayer completely. I’m still
wrestling—I’m sure there’s so much more
I haven’t grasped, a deeper faith that could
change my prayer life and allow God to do even bigger things—and I’m sure I
will continue this wrestling until I meet Him in Heaven. But I am so grateful
to feel I have come to understand slightly and hopefully more deeply another little
piece of it…
Thanks for praying me back, guys. Love you all.
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