Doulos

A bondslave… this whole concept of a bondslave is definitely one that I’ve really loved. A slave with the chance to walk away from a life of slavery… yet who chooses to continue in slavery because of love for his master. I think it’s always, in a way, been a rather glamorous (for lack of a better word) picture to me… you know, like something out of a movie. The story of a slave, who chooses to stay with his beloved master when offered this chance for freedom. And of course, his life is wonderful because his master is worth serving. The ‘freedom’ offered wouldn’t really have been freedom. It would have been slavery to another life. Instead, there is freedom in serving his dear master. Sigh… And although I do still agree with all of this to a degree, the past few months have been rather transforming my idea of this concept.

Basically, I do not know how to explain to you all what I have faced these past few months. It doesn’t make sense, even to me, so to try to make anyone else understand… well, that’s beyond me. I don’t know if it has been sp’rtual attack, culture shock, just some stage I had to face, something completely different, or a combination of all of the above. But I have not been the person I used to know… and I haven’t liked who I have been. I do not exaggerate when I say I have been a disaster. Granted, I tried to hold it together on the outside, so most people don’t really know. But inside, I have been fighting quite the battle. To make a long, terrible story short, last month I really considered, for the first time in my life, walking away from Gd. I can’t even believe now that I’m typing these words, and I most assuredly could not believe then that I was thinking those thoughts, but it happened. It’s not that I questioned anything I believe. I believe in HIM just as much as ever, but I sure did lose hope in myself. I started to question if I could really keep living for Him. A life surrendered to Him is not easy, and I’ve been feeling that. So for the first, most terrifying time ever, I contemplated leaving it all… and as dramatic as you may think it sounds, it was terrifying. How could I ever think about walking away from Gd, the only One I’m here for, my Everything, the One who gave it all for me, who loves me more than anyone else? I couldn’t understand myself, and I couldn’t snap out of ‘it’… whatever ‘it’ was. But during this time, the whole concept of the bondslave frequented my thoughts. As romanticized as I had always made it out to be, the fact is… being a slave is hard, no matter who one’s master is. Chosen or not, a life of slavery is not easy. So would I choose to continue serving my Master, who does deserve my everything? Or would I walk away from it all?

I really did ponder that question. And I cannot say that I will never ponder it again. But in the midst of all of this, I realized that—although a life of slavery is difficult, yes—I will always be a slave. The question is… who or what will I be a slave to? Just as in my initial picture of a slave—that this slave’s ‘freedom’ wouldn’t really have been freedom, but simply slavery to another life—that is true in my life. ‘Freedom’ from slavery to Chr’st is slavery to the world and to a life without Gd that I don’t want to know…  No matter what I face as I try to live surrendered to Him, I want no other life. He is the only reason I live. Serving Him is the life I choose, no matter how it feels at times. And that’s the thing… I don’t have to ‘feel’ a certain way to be f’ithful to Him. I’ve been so discouraged, struggling in my walk with Him, questioning everything… but I can still just keep going. I’ve continued talking to Him when I didn’t understand. I’ve continued reading His precious words when I didn’t feel like it. I have felt like a terrible failure, but my Master loves me all the same, and He walks each step of this with me.

Another thing that really hit me during this time was sparked by something my dear friend, Carmen wrote on her website: www.hiccupz.com. She talks about a butterfly she saw while sitting outside one day:

I watched it for a while as it fluttered about, showing off its colorful new wardrobe. Sometimes it would barely move its wings as it gracefully glided through the air while other times it would flap frantically to stay above ground. It went up and down, side to side, and in loops here and there, but no matter what it did, it was full of grace and beauty. Though sometimes its flight was easy and other times its flight was harder, the truth that outweighed everything else was that it was flying! This creature had been given a new life. It was no longer crawling along the ground in the dirt and mud, moving slowly and low in its abilities. No, now it had the capability to fly above that old life and experience things that it never could before. Though the butterfly had its struggles, they were overshadowed by the gift of being a beautiful butterfly, a gift that even at its lowest point triumphed over the caterpillar’s highest points.

One day as I was wrestling through these things, considering walking away from it all, and thinking about this picture of the butterfly, I thought… it is ridiculous really. A butterfly, even if it wanted to, couldn’t turn back into a caterpillar. And why would it want to? Just as Carmen said, even at its lowest points, the flight of the butterfly—the new life it has been given—is more beautiful than the caterpillar’s life of crawling through the mud ever could be. So why? Why would I want to go back to that, even if flying is hard sometimes?

Live like a butterfly

Live like you’ve found new life

The wind may blow, the tears may flow

But the old you is dead

This caterpillar’s been transformed into a butterfly instead.

Each stage on this journey, with all of its new thoughts, hasn’t brought me back to the place where I have felt the ‘young love’ feeling of being in love with J’sus and being so passionate and excited in everything I do. In fact, it has all been such a gradual journey that I’m never quite sure where I am or how I’m doing. But tonight, as I pulled out my guitar for the first time in a while, I just felt peace. I realized that it’s okay that I don’t feel like that. I won’t always feel like that. But for the first time since feeling so terribly close to the edge, I actually said the words, “it’s going to be okay,” and really meant and believed them. I know I am still wrestling, and that—as peaceful as I feel right now—this battle is still raging. But I also know, at least for now while my mind is clear, that there is no other life for me to go back to. I will never be a caterpillar again. I choose to be a bondslave to the most amazing Master there is. I want to be His bondslave. I don’t want to walk away from it all. He is mine, and I am His. And as oxymoronic as it may sound…

…a life of slavery to Him is the only real freedom there is.            

So grateful for what He did to offer me this freedom…

                And when I think that Gd, His Son not sparing

                Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in

                That on the cr’ss, my burden gladly bearing

                He bled and died, to take away my sin

                Then sings my soul, my S’vior Gd, to Thee

                How great Thou art, how great Thou art

                Then sings my soul, my S’vior Gd, to Thee

                How great Thou art, how great Thou art