Lessons from the Lotus

So after 11 months of eating lotus root—since China cooks and serves it many different ways in every province I’ve been to—I learned just last night that there is a very special meaning behind the lotus flower.  My Chinese roommate, Nancy, started explaining it to me, so I did some of my own research this afternoon. “The lotus flower starts as a small flower down at the bottom of a pond in the mud and muck. It slowly grows up towards the water’s surface continually moving towards the light. Once it comes to the surface of the water the lotus flower begins to blossom and turn into a beautiful flower.” My roommate’s explanation was similar, talking of the mud this flower begins in, and how incredible it is that it rises above the water so pure, clean, and beautiful. Its life begins in a less-than-ideal, even harsh, environment, one full of mud and mire; but it pushes through the mud until it breaks through the surface of the water a stunningly beautiful flower. As Nancy explained to me, and as I read more online today about “the lotus flower, bringing beauty and light from the murky darkness at the bottom of the pond,” I instantly pictured my time here in China. Although I was sent here to bring this “beauty and light,” I instead felt covered with mud for most of my time here. I spent so much time being selfish, having a pity party, wishing I could leave, even questioning my faith… I hated who I was becoming, as I felt like the mud of the world and my own selfishness were killing me inside. And yet, somehow—clearly by no effort of my own—I kept being lifted further up, gradually feeling some of the mud falling off of me. And although I do not claim to be a beautiful lotus flower now, nor have I ever felt hat way… I was reminded that God sees me that way. Even when I am the most covered in mud, not having the victory I would like and expect to see in my life, He still sees me as a pure, stunning lotus flower—a flower that He is growing further and further away from the mud, closer and closer to the surface of the water and the Son. And God’s role in all of this… leads me into the next part of this lotus flower description.

After the actual ‘flower’ background, Nancy then explained that the seeds of the lotus root, which live in the very center of all the petals, have another meaning all together. Apparently the name of the seeds in Chinese is pronounced the same as the Chinese phrase that describes parents really loving their children and wanting the best for them.  So there again, I was reminded how much God loves me—just as a parent loves his/her child with that ‘parent love,’ which I know I can’t yet fully grasp. I picture parents who, although their children are quite faulted, see only how good-looking, talented, and wonderful they are. These parents are able, and sometimes even unable not to, see past all their children’s faults and struggles because their love is so deep. But on an even deeper level than this ‘parent love,’ God’s love, through the blood of Jesus, washes away all of that ‘mud’ from His children completely… so much so that He doesn’t even see it covering His lotus flowers. Yes, He lets us go through murky, muddy water at times… but that is only because He loves us and wants His best for us. We may not understand why we have to be at the bottom of the pond, but He always does. So regardless of where we are in the pond—bottom, middle, or top—we are still lotus flowers… and He has created us to be beauty amidst ashes, light in the darkness, spectacular flowers inside a muddy pond. :)

The last part of the lotus flower that Nancy explained to me is the leaves. She said that the round shape of the leaves is supposed to represent family and togetherness. These leaves also have medicinal value that can be compared to the healing nature that being with family can bring. My time in China has really shown me how critical this analogy of the leaves is in my life. This year was the first time I was really away from family—my physical family, as well as the family of believers—and this sort of isolation, although I was always surrounded by people, was incredibly hard for me. God reminded me that, although He is ultimately enough to meet all of our needs, He has also created us to live life together as brothers and sisters in Christ—and to really need this support from each other.  

So basically, I—at 25 years old—have finally decided upon my favorite flower. I love the striking metaphor of the lotus flower and am so grateful for the life-changing reminders it brings. No matter how muddy the water is and the flower feels… He still sees, and is carrying up, up, and up… His beautiful lotus flower.

Just Sharing :)

A devo I loved this morning... had to share. :)

When You're in the Middle of a Struggle

Posted: 29 Jun 2012 06:59 AM PDT

We talk about our struggles. We're friends, fellow travelers on this journey. She keeps repeating a phrase, "I'm the girl who...."

It's the phrase I've heard from the lips of hundreds of women. From my own too.

We face a challenge and redefine ourselves by it.

Here are some I've said:

I'm the girl who has social anxiety.

I'm the girl who has depression.

I'm the girl who can't have children.

Those sentences trap us, limit us, make us believe we are our worst moments.

I clear my throat and whisper quietly into the phone what has set me free...

"That's not who you are, friend, it's where you are right now."

She sighs with relief and says the words that are like candy for my ears, "You need to write about this on your blog." So here we are. Because I need to hear this truth more than once...and maybe you do too.

Your struggle is not your identity.

It's your location at the moment.

If there were spiritual GPS, we could locate your spot in the desert. Imagine you did so with me and I said, "This place is my identity forever." You'd shake your head and say, "You're on your way to the Promised Land! This is just a temporary stop!"

Then you'd remind me...

I'm the girl who is God's daughter.

I'm the girl with strengths placed within me for a purpose.

I'm the girl who's unconditionally loved by Someone who can get me through anything.

Where we are in life changes.

Who we are stays the same wherever we may go.

Where are you today, friend?

And who are you, really?

And an excerpt from one more that was awesome too... 

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider this: God made one as well as the other. Ecclesiastes 7:14
When life is going well, don't give in to the fear that it won't last.
When life is hard, don't give in to the temptation to pretend everything is okay.
Keep your body and heart in the same place.

"Remember the Signs..."

Stand still. In a moment I will blow, but first remember, remember, REMEMBER THE SIGNS. Say them to yourself when you wake in the morning and when you lie down at night, and when you wake in the middle of the night. Whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs. Secondly, I give you a warning. Here on the mountain, I have spoken to you clearly. I will not often do so down in Narnia. Here on the mountain the air is clear, and your mind is clear. As you drop down into Narnia, the air will thicken. Take great care that it does not confuse your mind. And the signs which you have learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look when you meet them there. That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances. Remember the signs… and believe the signs. Nothing else will matter.

–Aslan

Wow, how perfect a summary of my time here. As I listened to The Silver Chair, by C.S. Lewis, today, this quote struck me quite beautifully. Jill Pole is about to go to Narnia for her first time. This is her first interaction ever with Aslan, so she doesn’t know his normal method of interacting with the children and his mysterious appearing and disappearing. He gives her such clear instructions, and everything makes sense in that moment. But He then gives her a warning about the lack of clarity that is to come… My brain didn’t have to work to hard to connect this to my own life. About this time 2 years ago, God filled my life with this kind of clarity. He absolutely showed Himself to me in ways I had never experienced Him; He blew my mind with His power, goodness, and involvement in my life; He brought me to a place of being so in love with Him… because I saw a glimpse of who He is, and I could not resist being in love with who He is. I was up on that mountain overlooking Narnia. And in those moments, I couldn’t imagine life not having that kind of clarity again. He was so real. So there. So present and visibly involved in every area of my life. I started fighting what I had grown up my whole life hearing—that there will be mountaintops and there will be valleys in my relationship with God… that I can’t always be on the mountaintop. Why can’t I? In those moments, I thought I would forever be on that mountaintop, more in love with my God than I ever could have imagined, seeing so clearly who He is and who I am in Him—who He has called me to be. Having a clarity about God and life that the rest of the world seems to lack. “Here on the mountain, I have spoken to you clearly.” He certainly did speak to me clearly during that time. And it was oh so beautiful. But then He blew me to Narnia…

Since coming to China, I have experienced the air thickening—in more ways than one—and I haven’t done so well at heeding Aslan’s instructions to “take great care that it does not confuse your mind.” Oh, how my mind has been confused. I have questioned my faith. I have questioned, in a sense, God’s goodness. I have questioned whether I can keep going on this journey with Him. Before coming here, I had read over and over how hard this journey can be… I should have been prepared. Aslan stressed the importance of the signs over and over again… because they “will not look at all as you expect them to look when you meet them there”; and in my own life, my experience in this place is something I never expected. But I am so grateful for today. I feel God cleared the air today just enough to remind me of the clarity He gave me back on that mountain. A glimpse hopefully long enough for me to take hold, once again, of the promises and truths I knew so well before the air in my world thickened so.  I don’t have to understand what is happening in the middle of the thickness. If I can just hold fast to what I know is true in the clear mountain air, then “nothing else will matter,” even in the thick air of Narnia.

I am still in love with my God. I still trust His goodness. I know He is still so ever present in my life, even though the thick air has momentarily prevented me from seeing Him as clearly as before. Why can’t we always be on the mountain? Well, if we were always on the mountain, how could He teach us to really trust Him in the thickness of the valleys? It was easy to trust the good, faithful Lion when I was walking together with Him on top of a mountain—watching Him do one incredible thing after another. Can I trust Him when I cannot see His strength right beside me and feel Him as I cling to His gentle mane? I only hope that I am gradually learning to do so… Thanks for praying for me and supporting me as He so patiently teaches me. :)

“Whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs.” I hope that—through His strength—nothing in the rest of my time here, or beyond, will ever be able to turn my heart and my mind from following Him. 

Doulos

A bondslave… this whole concept of a bondslave is definitely one that I’ve really loved. A slave with the chance to walk away from a life of slavery… yet who chooses to continue in slavery because of love for his master. I think it’s always, in a way, been a rather glamorous (for lack of a better word) picture to me… you know, like something out of a movie. The story of a slave, who chooses to stay with his beloved master when offered this chance for freedom. And of course, his life is wonderful because his master is worth serving. The ‘freedom’ offered wouldn’t really have been freedom. It would have been slavery to another life. Instead, there is freedom in serving his dear master. Sigh… And although I do still agree with all of this to a degree, the past few months have been rather transforming my idea of this concept.

Basically, I do not know how to explain to you all what I have faced these past few months. It doesn’t make sense, even to me, so to try to make anyone else understand… well, that’s beyond me. I don’t know if it has been sp’rtual attack, culture shock, just some stage I had to face, something completely different, or a combination of all of the above. But I have not been the person I used to know… and I haven’t liked who I have been. I do not exaggerate when I say I have been a disaster. Granted, I tried to hold it together on the outside, so most people don’t really know. But inside, I have been fighting quite the battle. To make a long, terrible story short, last month I really considered, for the first time in my life, walking away from Gd. I can’t even believe now that I’m typing these words, and I most assuredly could not believe then that I was thinking those thoughts, but it happened. It’s not that I questioned anything I believe. I believe in HIM just as much as ever, but I sure did lose hope in myself. I started to question if I could really keep living for Him. A life surrendered to Him is not easy, and I’ve been feeling that. So for the first, most terrifying time ever, I contemplated leaving it all… and as dramatic as you may think it sounds, it was terrifying. How could I ever think about walking away from Gd, the only One I’m here for, my Everything, the One who gave it all for me, who loves me more than anyone else? I couldn’t understand myself, and I couldn’t snap out of ‘it’… whatever ‘it’ was. But during this time, the whole concept of the bondslave frequented my thoughts. As romanticized as I had always made it out to be, the fact is… being a slave is hard, no matter who one’s master is. Chosen or not, a life of slavery is not easy. So would I choose to continue serving my Master, who does deserve my everything? Or would I walk away from it all?

I really did ponder that question. And I cannot say that I will never ponder it again. But in the midst of all of this, I realized that—although a life of slavery is difficult, yes—I will always be a slave. The question is… who or what will I be a slave to? Just as in my initial picture of a slave—that this slave’s ‘freedom’ wouldn’t really have been freedom, but simply slavery to another life—that is true in my life. ‘Freedom’ from slavery to Chr’st is slavery to the world and to a life without Gd that I don’t want to know…  No matter what I face as I try to live surrendered to Him, I want no other life. He is the only reason I live. Serving Him is the life I choose, no matter how it feels at times. And that’s the thing… I don’t have to ‘feel’ a certain way to be f’ithful to Him. I’ve been so discouraged, struggling in my walk with Him, questioning everything… but I can still just keep going. I’ve continued talking to Him when I didn’t understand. I’ve continued reading His precious words when I didn’t feel like it. I have felt like a terrible failure, but my Master loves me all the same, and He walks each step of this with me.

Another thing that really hit me during this time was sparked by something my dear friend, Carmen wrote on her website: www.hiccupz.com. She talks about a butterfly she saw while sitting outside one day:

I watched it for a while as it fluttered about, showing off its colorful new wardrobe. Sometimes it would barely move its wings as it gracefully glided through the air while other times it would flap frantically to stay above ground. It went up and down, side to side, and in loops here and there, but no matter what it did, it was full of grace and beauty. Though sometimes its flight was easy and other times its flight was harder, the truth that outweighed everything else was that it was flying! This creature had been given a new life. It was no longer crawling along the ground in the dirt and mud, moving slowly and low in its abilities. No, now it had the capability to fly above that old life and experience things that it never could before. Though the butterfly had its struggles, they were overshadowed by the gift of being a beautiful butterfly, a gift that even at its lowest point triumphed over the caterpillar’s highest points.

One day as I was wrestling through these things, considering walking away from it all, and thinking about this picture of the butterfly, I thought… it is ridiculous really. A butterfly, even if it wanted to, couldn’t turn back into a caterpillar. And why would it want to? Just as Carmen said, even at its lowest points, the flight of the butterfly—the new life it has been given—is more beautiful than the caterpillar’s life of crawling through the mud ever could be. So why? Why would I want to go back to that, even if flying is hard sometimes?

Live like a butterfly

Live like you’ve found new life

The wind may blow, the tears may flow

But the old you is dead

This caterpillar’s been transformed into a butterfly instead.

Each stage on this journey, with all of its new thoughts, hasn’t brought me back to the place where I have felt the ‘young love’ feeling of being in love with J’sus and being so passionate and excited in everything I do. In fact, it has all been such a gradual journey that I’m never quite sure where I am or how I’m doing. But tonight, as I pulled out my guitar for the first time in a while, I just felt peace. I realized that it’s okay that I don’t feel like that. I won’t always feel like that. But for the first time since feeling so terribly close to the edge, I actually said the words, “it’s going to be okay,” and really meant and believed them. I know I am still wrestling, and that—as peaceful as I feel right now—this battle is still raging. But I also know, at least for now while my mind is clear, that there is no other life for me to go back to. I will never be a caterpillar again. I choose to be a bondslave to the most amazing Master there is. I want to be His bondslave. I don’t want to walk away from it all. He is mine, and I am His. And as oxymoronic as it may sound…

…a life of slavery to Him is the only real freedom there is.            

So grateful for what He did to offer me this freedom…

                And when I think that Gd, His Son not sparing

                Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in

                That on the cr’ss, my burden gladly bearing

                He bled and died, to take away my sin

                Then sings my soul, my S’vior Gd, to Thee

                How great Thou art, how great Thou art

                Then sings my soul, my S’vior Gd, to Thee

                How great Thou art, how great Thou art

Promise

"My flesh and my heart [are failing] but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." --Psalm 73:26

A Breath or Two - Jimmy Needham

Wilting...

Ok, so maybe--disregarding my previous post--I am capable of just giving up. Someone jokingly said to me earlier tonight, "your childhood is wilting," referring to a flower that smelled like my childhood. But to be quite honest, that's rather how I feel...