Happy Valentine's Day!

God put this on my heart as I was thinking about Valentine's Day, and I wanted to share it. Love and miss you all!

Challenge from Others

Contentment in Singleness: is it possible? - Aaron Stern's Blog

Can't say how legit all the other posts on this blog are, but I found this one encouraging, challenging, and just speaking into my life... so I thought I'd share it. :)

Waking Up...

I feel like I’m on the brink of something huge… of letting God do something huge in my heart. I’ve been so dry. I’m in China, away from the solid support system I have always been surrounded by. Most of the time I’m around nobody that is like-minded—that has the same heart or the same faith. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to church since living here for the past four months. It’s as if I’ve been gradually drained of my passion, the fire that used to burn so brightly. Last week my friend from America stopped in Beijing on his way to Korea, and I was awakened to just how dry and discouraged I was. It hadn’t seemed bad until I was around someone ‘alive’ again. When he tried to talk to me about truth, I resisted. When he noted the lostness of the people surrounding us, I avoided it… because I *know* all too well that burden, and it feels too heavy to carry. What can I do about the utter despair of the people surrounding me in China? I can’t even speak to most of them… and I am so ‘alone’ on this journey. Or am I? I talked to my brother the other night, and he reminded me of the spiritual war that is raging. We are literally fighting an all-out war, and we can’t even see our opponents. My brother reminded me the importance of fasting and praying. The conversation was somewhat discouraging still, as I felt I had nothing left in me to give to what he was saying. But then he spoke some interesting words… he told me he had just prayed that I would be sent two extra angels. One angel alone, he noted, was pretty incredible to have; but he had requested that I have two extra to fight for me. It was touching to hear him talk like that. But more than touching, I woke up the next day feeling like someone extra was fighting for me. I felt like a different person. I felt like my eyes were re-opened to what we’re living for. Second Corinthians 4:18 resounded in my mind: “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” The reality of that verse is so much more clear living in China. If I fix my eyes on what I can see here, I will be drained of my meaning and purpose in life, because I can’t see any of what I could see so clearly when I was surrounded by the truth back home. Oh but if I look to the unseen all around me; if I remember the battle we are in and the lives we are fighting for; if I set my hope on the unseen One that is always carrying me, even though I feel so utterly alone on this quest; if I do all of that, then will I be living for what is eternal again.

Renewed. That is how I felt… and yet I know that the enemy is still warring to keep me complacent and to drain me of any fight that’s trying to come back to me. My dreams last night were discouraging—I struggled with sin and failed to be the woman God has called me to be. I felt almost defeated when I woke up, knowing that I could so easily fall back into that life. But even as I was hit by that twinge of beginning defeat, I also felt something else. I felt my heart trying to come alive even more. Memories of the things God has taught me over this past crazy year started fighting their way into my mind… they were broken bits and pieces of memories… but I felt desperate to grasp them and pull them up to continue this awakening process in my heart. I prayed for clarity of mind—that God would fully reveal to me what He was trying to remind me of. I can almost feel the spiritual battle happening in my own room this morning. It makes sense. I was about to ‘fall asleep’ into complacency and waste this year in China, where I have been called for some unknown purpose… but God is trying to wake me up. It’s happening in little steps, but it’s happening. I prayed last night that, just as He did the spring of 2010, God would help me really fall in love with Him again. When I so weakly and desperately prayed that prayer almost two years ago, He answered me in a way more real than I ever could have imagined. So I made the same request last night, with more hope and expectation than before, and I really want to believe him for just as real an answer in 2012.

So I’m here typing away this morning, trying to grasp what is slowly happening in my heart, before it fades away. I want to capture the memories that started trying to push their way into my fighting mind this morning… so I’m just going to start typing and see what comes out…

•   I remember being awakened with Carmen last year to the meaninglessness in which we so often live. We had a conversation with some friends about how we need to be more than just a different version of the world. The world might go and get plastered to have a good time, blatantly living a meaningless existence. But are Christians any better? Christians get together and play board games, spending their time together ‘innocently,’ while there is so much serving, loving, sacrificing, sharing, giving, and encouraging to be done. No, board games are not inherently evil. But if we let them consume our time together… what are they? These verses in Ephesians 15 seem so clear: “¹⁵Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. ¹⁸ Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” So even the time with other believers—should it not be spent worshiping, thanking, praying, interceding, encouraging, and uplifting each other? So wait, wait, wait… is this all a little bit extreme? Yes. And I believe we are called to extreme lives. Anybody remember the disciples and the Acts church? I am not trying to be some crazy legalistic person and say that we can never have fun. But I am trying to say that it makes sense... we wonder why God doesn't move in the big ways we saw Him move in the New Testament church... maybe it's because we are not spending the time asking Him to move the way they did... or spending our time letting Him do those big things through us that He wants to... Do we ask for big things and believe Him for big things? Or do we stay at home and watch movies, hoping that something big will happen at church on Sunday?

• Stepping out and serving… Carmen and I knew we needed to do something. What is this Christian life really supposed to look like? We do a lot of talking and not so much doing. How are we supposed to practically live out what we believe and talk so much about? So we started stepping out. We started trying to find places where we could serve, where we could be, so we could just be a light there. Door after door closed on us. The enemy tried to discourage us. But we kept going to the next door, the next door, the next door, until one swung wide open. God opens doors when we keep stepping out. Do we have to know what we’re doing? No, because He knows. One of the things Carmen and I always said to each other was, “figure it out as we go”… which really involved just going… and letting God figure it out for us. Not a bad way to live?

• Radical. Live radically. Many in the Christian community have settled for normal lives, not looking much different from all of the unbelievers around us. We are called to live radically, to die daily to ourselves, to pick up our crosses, to be the new creations that we are. What are we waiting for?

Memories… so much He has taught me… but what do I do with all of this? What does this look like in China, without my partner in crime/ministry I had in America? What does this look like in a place I can barely speak to people because of the language barrier? What does this look like when I have no other believers to speak to ‘with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit’? I’m not quite sure yet. I’m still figuring all of that out. So if you have any thoughts, send them my way. But more than anything, please keep praying. I feel like I’m tottering back and forth in between falling headlong one way or the other—either into a coma for the rest of the year, because I am so weak and drained and unsure of what all of this looks like in China; or into a passionate pursuit of knowing God in a whole new way and allowing Him to be my strength and use me this year in this place in ways I cannot even begin to imagine. I’m trying to learn to set my eyes and put my hope on the Unseen in China. The battle is real… it is raging… and I know I have only just seen the beginning. But I also know that I am the winning side.

Thank you for your prayers. Keep fighting this battle!

A Promise to Enjoy! :)

So I just heard these lines from a song that I thought related to the post I just wrote... so I figured I'd add them on here. 

"I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet."

He's changed me so much from when I took that first step... and I'm ever so thankful and can rest in the truth that He's not done with me yet! :)

Okie, that's all. Guess I'm just making up for not blogging in forever by writing two posts in one day. ;) 'Night!

“A New Thing”

So I’ve been spending some time with God this evening, and He brought me to Isaiah 43. I began reading and was enjoying the powerful words of this chapter. The beginning has these beautiful verses: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” Powerful! I continued reading, forgetting that these verses were in this chapter until I came to them:

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:18-19).

For those of you who were reading my blog before coming to China, you may remember the significance of those verses in my life. I was, to say the least, rather a disaster before moving here. I was overwhelmed with mixed feelings over knowing God was leading me here, yet being completely devastated over leaving my life, family, and friends back home. I was afraid of what I would face here. I knew God would strengthen me, but I expected to struggle through every day here. It was during a time with my dear friend, Carmen, that God brought these verses to my mind. He spoke very clearly to me that day…

I am just a generally anxious person. For most of my life, I haven’t done extremely well with any ‘new’ things. I don’t adjust to change very smoothly—at least emotionally. I may appear on the outside to handle them well, but I am normally an emotional basket case. So I expected nothing less… actually much worse… from the China experience. Then God spoke: “Katherine, stop remembering the way you’ve always been. Stop remembering the defeat you’ve faced before and the struggles you’ve fought through. I want to do something new! It was quite clear to me that those words were from Him… and I wanted with everything I had in me to believe them. But I think all along there was still a piece of me that doubted. Oh, why do I doubt?

He has blown my mind. I really feel like a different person… and I know that it is by His grace alone. He makes all things new… and He doesn’t leave His children unchanged. I am so very grateful for that. Looking back on my life journey, I am in awe of the changes He has brought about in me. Life still scares me sometimes. In fact, I have a Mandarin tutoring session tomorrow that still gives me a few butterflies. But I can’t express to you the peace and joy He gives me each day here. I read Psalm 86:12 today, which says, “I give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify Your name forever”; and I was led to stop and give thanks to Him… so I did. I wrote Him a thank you note. Taking the time to stop and thank Him for the beautiful blessings He is giving me each day here was a beautiful reminder. Put simply, guys, He is incredible! Let Him blow your mind! Expect great things from Him! Why do we expect mediocrity out of the awesome God we know?

Let Him do a new thing in your life… oh, He so longs to…

Still here...

So somehow I ended up back on my blog tonight, remembering what a terrible job I've done of keeping up with it. Oops... I thought I was going to update this blog more than anything else, but I've actually ended up just sending update newsletters, which I OCD-edly put too much time into and never feel like writing on my blog. But here I am now... trying to be a good little blogging girl. :)

So as I decided I should write *something* to update this blog, I was wondering what I should write about, and I never quite came to a clear conclusion. I re-read the last post I wrote, and life is definitely different than it was then. God has been so faithful and patient with me as I've settled in here. Reading that blog, as well as some other reminders I've had over the past week, re-emphasized the importance to me of really *remembering* the things God brings us through. Today is the official 2-month mark of when I left home, and I already feel like I've forgotten what a tough time I had here at first. The whole experience was definitely easier than I expected overall, but it was still difficult, as I remembered as I read about my Tianjin experience I previously wrote about. I so easily forget... I forget God's goodness and faithfulness to bring us through each stage. In fact, today I've felt myself fighting falling into a sort of complacency here as life has gotten much more comfortable already. As I got ready for bed tonight, I found myself noting the need to be more constantly-focused on God, rather than myself. I live a rather selfish existence, constantly thinking about what will make me happier and more comfortable. Why? This life isn't about me at all... this China experience isn't about me... nothing is supposed to be all about me. So why do I make it that way? I need to surrender these selfish tendencies and trade them in for such a God-centered mindset that I am continually thinking about Him and how to bring Him glory. That, in turn, will give me a more others-centered mindset, as I bring Him glory through loving others. I feel really challenged here to share more boldly. I'm constantly surrounded by people that don't know Him, and I feel like I'm failing at doing my part in making Him known. I try to bring up conversation when I find a way to, but it definitely hasn't gone very deep. That's why I'm here... I mean, that's why we're anywhere... so it's a bit disheartening to think that I'm not succeeding at the reason I have for being here. So yeah, I guess I could use your prayers for that. I want to a be a bold light. People should be able to look at me, look at my life, and listen to my conversation... and instead of seeing just me, be able to see the God who's sent me here. So prayers, thoughts, advice, comments, or anything else about any of this is completely welcome. Hope you're all encouraged and abiding in Him. Abiding... that's what He put on my heart. I'm not abiding the way I should. It's easy to just live life, trying to please Him, but not actually *abiding* in Him. So now just to do something with what He's put on my heart... ;)

Chosen for China

"You did not choose me, but I chose you..." (John 15:16).

So several times just today, in different locations at different events, different people shared this verse. Each time I heard it, I thought it was an encouraging reminder... but it wasn't until I was sitting on the back of my brother's bike tonight--as he drove through the streets of Tianjin, China talking to his Chinese friend--that God really built on these initial thoughts about this verse. He chose me... He didn't just accept me when I chose Him... or decide He'd put up with me because I wanted to choose Him... no, I didn't even choose Him. He--the God of the Universe--chose me. First of all, He created me just the way He wanted me. Secondly, He then chose me to be His daughter and to use me. That was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear today, to say the least.

For some reason, it's been a rather tough time here in Tianjin visiting my brother. I've mostly been tagging along with whatever things are happening here, which is awesome... my brother and sister-in-law are stinking amazing... and, of course, their friends are super cool too... but there's been something about being here that has been pretty discouraging. I think it may be because there have been several things I've gone to where everyone is just speaking Mandarin for much of the time. Something about it set me off on this, "I'm never going to learn this language, I'm incompetent, I'm inadequate, I'm useless" train, and it's been hard not to let it knock me over. I've been surrounded by such cool, smart, funny, equipped, Mandarin-speaking people that it's made me question myself. And I've met so many other people that I would just *love* to be able to talk to and get to know and build relationships with, but it's pretty much impossible because we can't communicate. Of course this is one of those 'stages' I guess I was supposed to be prepared for, but it has just hit me hard. So as I was sitting on the back of that bike tonight, watching the cars drive by us, periodically looking up at the few visible stars, listening to my brother and his friend talk away, praying for their conversation, etc, etc, God brought that verse back to my mind... and He spoke to me pretty clearly. If the words He spoke to my heart would have been verbalized, I feel they could have gone something like this:

Hi daughter, it's Me. I just wanted to remind you tonight that I chose you. I created you exactly the way I wanted you to be, and I chose you to be my very own daughter. I *love* the way you are--exactly the way you are, not the way you want to be... that's why I made you that way. I didn't make you like the other people you've been meeting and wishing you could be more like, because I wanted you to be the way you are for my very special purposes. & I chose you to go to China this year for my very special purposes as well. I know you don't know exactly why you're here... and that you feel pretty inadequate and incompetent right now. But you are, through My strength, perfectly adequate to do exactly what I've called you to do. I will help you learn the things you need to learn to be used for My purposes and My glory, so don't fret. Just remember... you were chosen for China, right here and right now. Don't question who you are. Just know that you are Mine...

 So as much as I'm still feeling heavy and somewhat... just sad or discouraged I guess... those words meant so much to me tonight. I was then able to get some time playing my brother's guitar and just worshiping for a bit, and I ended up playing this song:

Water You turned into wine, opened the eyes of the blind
There's no one like You, none like You
Into the darkness You shine, out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You, none like You

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, our God

Into the darkness You shine, out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You, none like You

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, our God

And if our God is for us
Then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us
Then what could stand against?

In and of myself, I am completely inadequate. I cannot learn Mandarin. I cannot build meaningful relationships. I cannot accomplish anything in China of any significance. However, thankfully, I do not live life 'in and of myself.' This God that is greater, stonger, higher than any other... healer, awesome in power... that God lives inside of me and wants to do things through me that are much much bigger than I... and if HE is for me, then what on earth, pray tell, is going to be able to stop or stand against me? 

To wrap this up... I am simply in dire need of my Savior to live the life He wants me to live... I ended my time of singing with this song:

I need Thee ev'ry hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford

I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

I need Thee ev'ry hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power when Thou art night

I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

I need Thee ev'ry hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide or life is vain

I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

I need The ev'ry hour, teach me Thy will
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill

I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

I need Him...every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, I need Him more than anyone or anything else. I woke up this morning feeling defeated and discouraged, and the overwhelming thought on my mind was, 'Jesus, I need you so SO badly.' I'm ending with that same thought, except I think it's a more hope-filled thought. This morning it was a thought of desperation, filled with despair. Tonight it's a thought of confidence, knowing that--while it's true that I am desperately in need of Him--it's also okay, because I am His, and He is mine... so that need for Him is being met!

In conclusion, for some reason which I do not yet know, I have been chosen for China right now... and the Chooser is much more than capable of using me for that which He has chosen me...