Saturday, January 19, 2013

Grateful


So driving home tonight, I had some of the sweetest time with God, and He brought some huge revelations to me, making a few things really ‘click’ for the first time since being back from China. The whole time it was happening, I just wished I had a recording device in my brain, so I could play it back for others to hear, because I just knew I wouldn’t be able to put into words what happened in that car. I’ve already tried to share it with a friend once, and pretty much faced what I figured I would… there was just no way I could figure out how to explain in words what I experienced. I doubt I’ll be able to do it justice here either, but every now and then I can communicate better through writing, so we’ll give it a try.

So recently I’ve been pursuing a few different job opportunities. I’ve been interviewing with a church for a children’s ministry position, and I talked today with someone about an internship opportunity with a ministry in Ireland. Earlier this week, I was stressed beyond all get out about this church position—wanting to be open to whatever God wanted but struggling with fear that I would make the wrong decision and I guess, ultimately, with some distrust of God about His plans being the best. I wasn’t myself for quite some time… But yesterday, after meeting again with the pastor, I was overwhelmed with peace that God was going to lead me in whichever way He wanted. I had been so anxious that I would make a decision out of selfishness and mess things up… but I knew in that moment, that as I was seeking God, He would really lead me, and I would know what to do. Then today I met with the gentleman I refer to as ‘the Ireland man’—discussing that opportunity. It sounds like an incredible ministry, and I was excited about the possibilities there. I talked to my brother on the way home tonight, telling him about the different opportunities and just catching him up on the things going on. And for some reason, when I got off the phone with him, I just felt this surge of gratitude… I realized that I was so excited for whatever God has next for me—no matter what that is. I was reminded again of the adventure of life and how beautiful that adventure is… including the not knowing part. I just felt this excitement about life that I haven’t felt in a while. And during these grateful moments, I realized something else. I am not the girl I was before I went to China. Before going to China, if you were with me at all or were reading this blog at the beginning… you know that I was absolutely terrified about going. I was basically a nervous wreck for the months leading up to it, as well as for a significant amount of my time there. In fact, it wasn’t just China that scared me. Life was just scary to me. Carmen did an awesome job of challenging me, bringing me out of my comfort zone, and helping me get past that fear a little bit… but I was still pretty scared… insecure… and many other different not-so-wonderful things. Now I won’t pretend that I have none of that left. But as I thought back even just on the past week, I was rather intrigued… Thinking over this church ministry interview process and possibilities and this Ireland potential, I realized how much less scary life is to me. In fact, the Ireland opportunity was one of the most exciting things I could think of, and I was rather hoping that would be the door I was supposed to go through… yes… I *wanted* God to open the door of me going to another foreign country… to be involved in a ministry with which I’ve never had any experience… working with people I don’t know from Adam… That was exciting to me… not scary, not something that invoked the, ‘Oh no, I hope God doesn’t want me to do that one’ emotion… but exciting and wonderful. I then thought about the desire I’ve had at times even to go back to China and go to language school there… or to go to South Africa to work with a ministry I heard about there… and even just the different way that I interact with strangers and the more freedom I feel to be myself and let people know me… life has such a lighter feel to it… like I’m not so tense and uptight… like I can enjoy it. All of these realizations may seem insignificant to you, and maybe this is part of the reason I feel like I can’t explain what I experienced in that car tonight… but they are huge for me. It just hit me that God allowed me to go through the pain and struggles of China—not only to somehow use the broken, messed up, struggling individual that I was there to somehow touch the lives around me because He is so gracious—but also to grow me and to bring me over a massive obstacle of fear in my life. I don’t know if you read my blog post about the lotus flower, but it talks about how the lotus flower grows up through the mud and mire in the water, towards the sunlight, until it rises above the water as a stunning, beautiful, pure flower. The lotus flower can’t skip the murky, muddy stage… it would never make it to the top of the water if it didn’t push through the mud. Likewise, God takes us through the mud in life in order to bring us up above the water. In the middle of my time in China, I didn’t know why I was there or why I had to struggle so much. But looking back, I see the way that He shaped me and brought me through the mud of fear in my life. I never could have done that shaping on my own. Yes, I realize that I have much shaping left… but I am so grateful that God allowed me tonight to see some of the shaping that He did through my pain and struggles this past year. The freedom of living without the kind of fear I used to live with… it’s a beautiful thing. Life has a sort of freeing joy that I may have never known without my China adventure.

I can only begin to imagine and be excited about the growth He wants to bring through His next adventure.

He is so good.

So ultimately, as I read over what I just wrote… I know that I have failed yet again to really express the incredibly bright light, radiant joy, overwhelming peace, and beautiful gratitude that God gave me tonight. But know that He blows my mind… I know there are both mountaintop and valley experiences, and I won’t always ‘feel’ as shaped, renewed, refreshed and free as I do right now. But it seems that with every mountain God brings me to the top of, it gets easier to start climbing the next one… maybe it’s because He has shown Himself so faithful to bring us to the top of the mountains before—no matter how hard the climb and how long the journey… maybe it’s because each mountain gives us conditioning and training that make us a little bit stronger for the next climb… maybe it’s a combination of those two and more… but whatever the reason, it’s a beautiful thing! So let’s keep climbing the mountains… and maybe we’ll even reach the point where we get enough perspective to enjoy the climb and not just the tops. ;) 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Promise of Adventures...

“Adventures are funny things. They always begin with the unexpected, but  always end with the promise of adventures yet to come.”

I want to apologize—first of all to my Lord, and secondly to anybody reading—for the way that I doubted, wavered, questioned, and despaired… I looked at the waves around me, instead of at Jesus standing in the waves with me. I looked at the armies instead of at my victorious Leader. I got caught up in the hopelessness of the battle from my blinded human viewpoint… I forgot the truth of the battle we are fighting and Who is fighting for us… Today I finished the last book of a trilogy I’ve been reading called The Door Within. One of the commanders speaks about this battle… and about his King Eliam (who represents Christ)…

“Now is our time!” Kaliam exclaimed. “Our armies are outnumbered by the enemy! Our odds are grim at best.”Kaliam’s eyes were ablaze, and he stared from knight to knight before he continued.

“But we do not put our faith in odds or in numbers—nor even in the prowess of our weapons. We put our faith in the might of King Eliam, who alone defeated death! We serve a King who gave everything for this kingdom—not sparing even his life! And now… it is our turn. Draw your weapons and do not hide them again until victory is assured. Nothing can be spared. When the sun rises between the Mountains of Glory, let there be glory given to the King. Glory and a free Alleble—whether we all live or not!”

The battle is not easy… in fact, the battles in these books show devastation and tragedy—with the enemy showing himself seemingly stronger for most of the trilogy. Battles are lost, evil is rampant, and hope oftentimes shows itself dim… And yet the warriors of King Eliam constantly remind each other that they are never alone… even when they are facing the most hopeless of battles or dire despair, they are never alone. And not only that, but also that the battle is worth fighting. Win or lose, live or die, they were ready to fight that battle. Their King had given His life for them; and they were ready to give their lives for their King. 

I am a warrior for my King. I don’t feel like a warrior. I don’t think I often act much like a warrior. But He has made me His… and I am never alone in this battle. I have felt so alone for so long now, but those feelings are a lie from the enemy. He wants me to feel alone. But feelings are not truth. And I… am neveralone

So my Jesus again brings me back to His hope. I doubted His plans for me… doubted His goodness in those plans… But He is always good. And life is an adventure… He wants me to enjoy the ride, rather than questioning the Creator of the ride. I think I’ve been questioning much of the time since being back from China. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. And I’m so tired of being back at that place of not knowing. And even when doors are starting to open, I’m questioning them—questioning the goodness of those doors and of the One who opens them. I read this devotional recently, and was reminded of it again this morning:

The Perfect Ending

“Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
John 11:40 (NIV)
Ever watch one of those feel good movies? You know the kind with the predictable ending where everything works out great!  The hero wins, the problem is solved and yes, the bad guys lose.   We knew it from the very beginning, but we still clung to the edge of our seat waiting for goodness to spill out everywhere.  Wonder if we view life that way?  After all, we are assured of an amazing ending – God triumphs over evil and everything works out beyond our imagination.    We’ve read Revelation and even though we don’t understand all of it – we do know we have an incredible future.  But it’s that space of time between now and then that often derails us.  Instead of trusting and resting in our Mighty God, we find ourselves locked into today and minimizing His power.  Hope fades when justice is blown out the window, and we forget God lifted Joseph out of prison to save a nation.  Joy evaporates when people don’t measure up to our expectations, so we forget that Christ built His church upon Peter, the one who denied His very existence.  Faith is challenged in the midst of overwhelming problems, and we forget at the sound of His voice the storm ceased.  Evil appears to deal us a bad hand, and we forget the grave could not hold Him.  Despite our doubts, God divinely intervenes in our lives longing to exceed our predictability and surprise us with the miraculous.  For those who choose to look beyond today and believe the rest of the story, they will find that our God is faithful and true. 
“Father, Your goodness spills all around us – You are our Hope, and our future is secured in your promises.” 

That devotional speaks to my heart as I have been derailed lately… locked into today… minimizing my God’s power.

He wants me to remember… that “despite our doubts, God divinely intervenes in our lives longing to exceed our predictability and surprise us with the miraculous. For those who choose to look beyond today and believe the rest of the story, they will find that our God is faithful and true.”

So yesterday, I was quite fearful about the next adventure God has for me. There is a job possibility that I have been fighting in my heart, not wanting it to come about. But I am reminded today that God’s adventures are the best ones. I cannot see what He has in store. Whether or not this job is the next adventure, He wants to exceed my predictability… He wants to surprise me with the miraculous. There are also others aspects of life I have been questioning, and He simply keeps telling me over and over again, “Katherine, just abide in Me…” I need not question the King.

Life since China has been strange, and I’ve felt a bit like a floundering fish. I question why 4 ½ months after coming back, I’m still feeling so directionless. But I’m excited… because…

Adventures are funny things. They always begin with the unexpected, but  always end with the promise of adventures yet to come.”

And one last devotional I just received this morning: 

Assurance
Jesus assures you that as you follow Him–
you will never meet a fear He cannot conquer;
you will never face an enemy He cannot defeat;
you will never enter a battle He cannot win;
you will never have a need He cannot meet;
you will never face a temptation He cannot overcome;
you will never have a burden He cannot lift;
you will never face a problem He cannot solve;
you will never have a bondage He cannot break;
you will never have a moment when He does not care;
you will never have a time when He is not there.
I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].  Philippians 4:13 AMP


Monday, January 14, 2013

Break me...

Why do I feel like I'm dying inside?

How can life so quickly feel so scary... so painful... so hopeless...?

What do I do with these feelings?

I know they are just that... they are feelings. Yet I feel my feelings so strongly... it seems like I feel them more deeply than others. I am so *real* that when I feel these things, I don't know how to live above them... how to disregard them as the insignificant feelings that they are.

I feel like I'm drowning in them.

How can my heart change so quickly?

How can I so quickly lose sight of what I know to be true, real hope and replace it with drowning despair?

I long to be understood. And yet I know I am not. Except by One... but I feel I have lost connection with Him. I am faking it with the only One who understands me... the only One who knows me inside and out and yet still loves me. I long to be in love with Him again.

I need to be broken. But I don't know how. I'm becoming numb and don't want to be broken. So I live on the surface, unwilling to go deeper... unwilling to experience brokenness.

Break me... please, break me, Jesus...