So I just heard these lines from a song that I thought related to the post I just wrote... so I figured I'd add them on here.
"I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet."
He's changed me so much from when I took that first step... and I'm ever so thankful and can rest in the truth that He's not done with me yet! :)
Okie, that's all. Guess I'm just making up for not blogging in forever by writing two posts in one day. ;) 'Night!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
“A New Thing”
So I’ve been spending some time with God this evening, and He brought
me to Isaiah 43. I began reading and was enjoying the powerful words of this
chapter. The beginning has these beautiful verses: “Fear not, for I have
redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through
the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not
overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the
flame shall not consume you.” Powerful! I continued reading, forgetting that
these verses were in this chapter until I came to them:
“Remember not the
former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:18-19).
For those of you who were reading my blog before coming to China, you
may remember the significance of those verses in my life. I was, to say the
least, rather a disaster before moving here. I was overwhelmed with mixed
feelings over knowing God was leading me here, yet being completely devastated
over leaving my life, family, and friends back home. I was afraid of what I
would face here. I knew God would strengthen me, but I expected to struggle through
every day here. It was during a time with my dear friend, Carmen, that God
brought these verses to my mind. He spoke very clearly to me that day…
I am just a generally anxious person. For most of my life, I haven’t
done extremely well with any ‘new’ things. I don’t adjust to change very
smoothly—at least emotionally. I may appear on the outside to handle them well,
but I am normally an emotional basket case. So I expected nothing less…
actually much worse… from the China experience. Then God spoke: “Katherine,
stop remembering the way you’ve always been. Stop remembering the defeat you’ve
faced before and the struggles you’ve fought through. I want to do something new! It was quite clear to me that those
words were from Him… and I wanted with everything I had in me to believe them.
But I think all along there was still a piece of me that doubted. Oh, why do I
doubt?
He has blown my mind. I really feel like a different person… and I know
that it is by His grace alone. He makes all things new… and He doesn’t leave
His children unchanged. I am so very grateful for that. Looking back on my life
journey, I am in awe of the changes He has brought about in me. Life still
scares me sometimes. In fact, I have a Mandarin tutoring session tomorrow that still
gives me a few butterflies. But I can’t express to you the peace and joy He
gives me each day here. I read Psalm 86:12 today, which says, “I give thanks to
You, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify Your name forever”;
and I was led to stop and give thanks to Him… so I did. I wrote Him a thank you
note. Taking the time to stop and thank Him for the beautiful blessings He is
giving me each day here was a beautiful reminder. Put simply, guys, He is incredible! Let Him blow your mind!
Expect great things from Him! Why do we expect mediocrity out of the awesome God we know?
Let Him do a new thing in your life… oh, He so longs to…
Monday, November 7, 2011
Still here...
So somehow I ended up back on my blog tonight, remembering what a terrible job I've done of keeping up with it. Oops... I thought I was going to update this blog more than anything else, but I've actually ended up just sending update newsletters, which I OCD-edly put too much time into and never feel like writing on my blog. But here I am now... trying to be a good little blogging girl. :)
So as I decided I should write *something* to update this blog, I was wondering what I should write about, and I never quite came to a clear conclusion. I re-read the last post I wrote, and life is definitely different than it was then. God has been so faithful and patient with me as I've settled in here. Reading that blog, as well as some other reminders I've had over the past week, re-emphasized the importance to me of really *remembering* the things God brings us through. Today is the official 2-month mark of when I left home, and I already feel like I've forgotten what a tough time I had here at first. The whole experience was definitely easier than I expected overall, but it was still difficult, as I remembered as I read about my Tianjin experience I previously wrote about. I so easily forget... I forget God's goodness and faithfulness to bring us through each stage. In fact, today I've felt myself fighting falling into a sort of complacency here as life has gotten much more comfortable already. As I got ready for bed tonight, I found myself noting the need to be more constantly-focused on God, rather than myself. I live a rather selfish existence, constantly thinking about what will make me happier and more comfortable. Why? This life isn't about me at all... this China experience isn't about me... nothing is supposed to be all about me. So why do I make it that way? I need to surrender these selfish tendencies and trade them in for such a God-centered mindset that I am continually thinking about Him and how to bring Him glory. That, in turn, will give me a more others-centered mindset, as I bring Him glory through loving others. I feel really challenged here to share more boldly. I'm constantly surrounded by people that don't know Him, and I feel like I'm failing at doing my part in making Him known. I try to bring up conversation when I find a way to, but it definitely hasn't gone very deep. That's why I'm here... I mean, that's why we're anywhere... so it's a bit disheartening to think that I'm not succeeding at the reason I have for being here. So yeah, I guess I could use your prayers for that. I want to a be a bold light. People should be able to look at me, look at my life, and listen to my conversation... and instead of seeing just me, be able to see the God who's sent me here. So prayers, thoughts, advice, comments, or anything else about any of this is completely welcome. Hope you're all encouraged and abiding in Him. Abiding... that's what He put on my heart. I'm not abiding the way I should. It's easy to just live life, trying to please Him, but not actually *abiding* in Him. So now just to do something with what He's put on my heart... ;)
So as I decided I should write *something* to update this blog, I was wondering what I should write about, and I never quite came to a clear conclusion. I re-read the last post I wrote, and life is definitely different than it was then. God has been so faithful and patient with me as I've settled in here. Reading that blog, as well as some other reminders I've had over the past week, re-emphasized the importance to me of really *remembering* the things God brings us through. Today is the official 2-month mark of when I left home, and I already feel like I've forgotten what a tough time I had here at first. The whole experience was definitely easier than I expected overall, but it was still difficult, as I remembered as I read about my Tianjin experience I previously wrote about. I so easily forget... I forget God's goodness and faithfulness to bring us through each stage. In fact, today I've felt myself fighting falling into a sort of complacency here as life has gotten much more comfortable already. As I got ready for bed tonight, I found myself noting the need to be more constantly-focused on God, rather than myself. I live a rather selfish existence, constantly thinking about what will make me happier and more comfortable. Why? This life isn't about me at all... this China experience isn't about me... nothing is supposed to be all about me. So why do I make it that way? I need to surrender these selfish tendencies and trade them in for such a God-centered mindset that I am continually thinking about Him and how to bring Him glory. That, in turn, will give me a more others-centered mindset, as I bring Him glory through loving others. I feel really challenged here to share more boldly. I'm constantly surrounded by people that don't know Him, and I feel like I'm failing at doing my part in making Him known. I try to bring up conversation when I find a way to, but it definitely hasn't gone very deep. That's why I'm here... I mean, that's why we're anywhere... so it's a bit disheartening to think that I'm not succeeding at the reason I have for being here. So yeah, I guess I could use your prayers for that. I want to a be a bold light. People should be able to look at me, look at my life, and listen to my conversation... and instead of seeing just me, be able to see the God who's sent me here. So prayers, thoughts, advice, comments, or anything else about any of this is completely welcome. Hope you're all encouraged and abiding in Him. Abiding... that's what He put on my heart. I'm not abiding the way I should. It's easy to just live life, trying to please Him, but not actually *abiding* in Him. So now just to do something with what He's put on my heart... ;)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Chosen for China
"You did not choose me, but I chose you..." (John 15:16).
So several times just today, in different locations at different events, different people shared this verse. Each time I heard it, I thought it was an encouraging reminder... but it wasn't until I was sitting on the back of my brother's bike tonight--as he drove through the streets of Tianjin, China talking to his Chinese friend--that God really built on these initial thoughts about this verse. He chose me... He didn't just accept me when I chose Him... or decide He'd put up with me because I wanted to choose Him... no, I didn't even choose Him. He--the God of the Universe--chose me. First of all, He created me just the way He wanted me. Secondly, He then chose me to be His daughter and to use me. That was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear today, to say the least.
For some reason, it's been a rather tough time here in Tianjin visiting my brother. I've mostly been tagging along with whatever things are happening here, which is awesome... my brother and sister-in-law are stinking amazing... and, of course, their friends are super cool too... but there's been something about being here that has been pretty discouraging. I think it may be because there have been several things I've gone to where everyone is just speaking Mandarin for much of the time. Something about it set me off on this, "I'm never going to learn this language, I'm incompetent, I'm inadequate, I'm useless" train, and it's been hard not to let it knock me over. I've been surrounded by such cool, smart, funny, equipped, Mandarin-speaking people that it's made me question myself. And I've met so many other people that I would just *love* to be able to talk to and get to know and build relationships with, but it's pretty much impossible because we can't communicate. Of course this is one of those 'stages' I guess I was supposed to be prepared for, but it has just hit me hard. So as I was sitting on the back of that bike tonight, watching the cars drive by us, periodically looking up at the few visible stars, listening to my brother and his friend talk away, praying for their conversation, etc, etc, God brought that verse back to my mind... and He spoke to me pretty clearly. If the words He spoke to my heart would have been verbalized, I feel they could have gone something like this:
To wrap this up... I am simply in dire need of my Savior to live the life He wants me to live... I ended my time of singing with this song:
In conclusion, for some reason which I do not yet know, I have been chosen for China right now... and the Chooser is much more than capable of using me for that which He has chosen me...
So several times just today, in different locations at different events, different people shared this verse. Each time I heard it, I thought it was an encouraging reminder... but it wasn't until I was sitting on the back of my brother's bike tonight--as he drove through the streets of Tianjin, China talking to his Chinese friend--that God really built on these initial thoughts about this verse. He chose me... He didn't just accept me when I chose Him... or decide He'd put up with me because I wanted to choose Him... no, I didn't even choose Him. He--the God of the Universe--chose me. First of all, He created me just the way He wanted me. Secondly, He then chose me to be His daughter and to use me. That was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear today, to say the least.
For some reason, it's been a rather tough time here in Tianjin visiting my brother. I've mostly been tagging along with whatever things are happening here, which is awesome... my brother and sister-in-law are stinking amazing... and, of course, their friends are super cool too... but there's been something about being here that has been pretty discouraging. I think it may be because there have been several things I've gone to where everyone is just speaking Mandarin for much of the time. Something about it set me off on this, "I'm never going to learn this language, I'm incompetent, I'm inadequate, I'm useless" train, and it's been hard not to let it knock me over. I've been surrounded by such cool, smart, funny, equipped, Mandarin-speaking people that it's made me question myself. And I've met so many other people that I would just *love* to be able to talk to and get to know and build relationships with, but it's pretty much impossible because we can't communicate. Of course this is one of those 'stages' I guess I was supposed to be prepared for, but it has just hit me hard. So as I was sitting on the back of that bike tonight, watching the cars drive by us, periodically looking up at the few visible stars, listening to my brother and his friend talk away, praying for their conversation, etc, etc, God brought that verse back to my mind... and He spoke to me pretty clearly. If the words He spoke to my heart would have been verbalized, I feel they could have gone something like this:
Hi daughter, it's Me. I just wanted to remind you tonight that I chose you. I created you exactly the way I wanted you to be, and I chose you to be my very own daughter. I *love* the way you are--exactly the way you are, not the way you want to be... that's why I made you that way. I didn't make you like the other people you've been meeting and wishing you could be more like, because I wanted you to be the way you are for my very special purposes. & I chose you to go to China this year for my very special purposes as well. I know you don't know exactly why you're here... and that you feel pretty inadequate and incompetent right now. But you are, through My strength, perfectly adequate to do exactly what I've called you to do. I will help you learn the things you need to learn to be used for My purposes and My glory, so don't fret. Just remember... you were chosen for China, right here and right now. Don't question who you are. Just know that you are Mine...So as much as I'm still feeling heavy and somewhat... just sad or discouraged I guess... those words meant so much to me tonight. I was then able to get some time playing my brother's guitar and just worshiping for a bit, and I ended up playing this song:
In and of myself, I am completely inadequate. I cannot learn Mandarin. I cannot build meaningful relationships. I cannot accomplish anything in China of any significance. However, thankfully, I do not live life 'in and of myself.' This God that is greater, stonger, higher than any other... healer, awesome in power... that God lives inside of me and wants to do things through me that are much much bigger than I... and if HE is for me, then what on earth, pray tell, is going to be able to stop or stand against me?
Water You turned into wine, opened the eyes of the blind
There's no one like You, none like You
Into the darkness You shine, out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You, none like You
Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, our God
Into the darkness You shine, out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You, none like You
Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is healer
Awesome in power
Our God, our God
And if our God is for us
Then who could ever stop us?
And if our God is with us
Then what could stand against?
To wrap this up... I am simply in dire need of my Savior to live the life He wants me to live... I ended my time of singing with this song:
I need Thee ev'ry hour, most gracious LordI need Him...every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year, I need Him more than anyone or anything else. I woke up this morning feeling defeated and discouraged, and the overwhelming thought on my mind was, 'Jesus, I need you so SO badly.' I'm ending with that same thought, except I think it's a more hope-filled thought. This morning it was a thought of desperation, filled with despair. Tonight it's a thought of confidence, knowing that--while it's true that I am desperately in need of Him--it's also okay, because I am His, and He is mine... so that need for Him is being met!
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
I need Thee ev'ry hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power when Thou art night
I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
I need Thee ev'ry hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide or life is vain
I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
I need The ev'ry hour, teach me Thy will
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill
I need Thee, O I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
In conclusion, for some reason which I do not yet know, I have been chosen for China right now... and the Chooser is much more than capable of using me for that which He has chosen me...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
More thoughts...
"And we prayed to our God and set a guard as a protection against them day and night" (Nehemiah 4:9).
So I'm super tired and am not sure how much sense I'll be able to make out of my thoughts right now, but if I don't try now, I might lose them... so I shall try!
I continued on in Nehemiah today, and one of today's verses reminded me of yesterday's. Yesterday, I discussed how Nehemiah first prayed... and then said to the king. Prayer was just a crucial part of everything he did, and he didn't speak to the king without praying first. The verse from today in chapter four showed another instance of praying before acting. Israel's enemies were rising up against them as they tried to rebuild the wall... so while under this serious attack, Nehemiah and the people first prayed... and then set a guard for protection. Both parts were crucial. We should not pray without acting, leaving everything up to God, and taking no responsibility of our own. However, we should also most definitely not act without praying, presuming that any guard we could set up for protection would really protect us against our enemies without the hand of our God. So both are necessary, and I believe the Israelites had a pretty good order here... pray first, then act. They realized, as it says a few verses later, that "by ourselves we will not be able to rebuild the wall" (4:10). They were in dire need of the hand of God intervening as they were faithful to rebuild this wall. But then they also realized that they had to stand up and do their part... so they "labored on the work with one hand and held his weapon with the other" (4:17). I love that picture too! That's how we need to live... laboring for Christ with one hand, and holding our weapons for this spiritual battle we are in with the other! So cool...
One other thing that really hit me from the chapters today was in Nehemiah 6:13. Nehemiah had just met with someone who had encouraged him to hide from his enemies in the temple. He "understood and saw that God had not sent him," but that he had been sent by the enemy. But listen to this verse: "For this purpose he was hired, that I should be afraid and act in this way and sin, and so they could give me a bad name in order to taunt me." How exactly like the enemy is that? He rationalizes sin to us--through fear, desires, or whatever other methods he can find--in order to make us stumble and then be able to taunt us! The enemy is ever so good at making sin seem wonderful at first... and then just as good at taunting us about our failures one second after we've given in. Knowing his tactics is so important in order to stand against them.
Alright, I've used up just about all of the mental capacity I have at the moment, so I certainly hope it made some sort of sense. His word is so beautiful, and I'm loving reading through it. I am so grateful for His love letter to us...
So I'm super tired and am not sure how much sense I'll be able to make out of my thoughts right now, but if I don't try now, I might lose them... so I shall try!
I continued on in Nehemiah today, and one of today's verses reminded me of yesterday's. Yesterday, I discussed how Nehemiah first prayed... and then said to the king. Prayer was just a crucial part of everything he did, and he didn't speak to the king without praying first. The verse from today in chapter four showed another instance of praying before acting. Israel's enemies were rising up against them as they tried to rebuild the wall... so while under this serious attack, Nehemiah and the people first prayed... and then set a guard for protection. Both parts were crucial. We should not pray without acting, leaving everything up to God, and taking no responsibility of our own. However, we should also most definitely not act without praying, presuming that any guard we could set up for protection would really protect us against our enemies without the hand of our God. So both are necessary, and I believe the Israelites had a pretty good order here... pray first, then act. They realized, as it says a few verses later, that "by ourselves we will not be able to rebuild the wall" (4:10). They were in dire need of the hand of God intervening as they were faithful to rebuild this wall. But then they also realized that they had to stand up and do their part... so they "labored on the work with one hand and held his weapon with the other" (4:17). I love that picture too! That's how we need to live... laboring for Christ with one hand, and holding our weapons for this spiritual battle we are in with the other! So cool...
One other thing that really hit me from the chapters today was in Nehemiah 6:13. Nehemiah had just met with someone who had encouraged him to hide from his enemies in the temple. He "understood and saw that God had not sent him," but that he had been sent by the enemy. But listen to this verse: "For this purpose he was hired, that I should be afraid and act in this way and sin, and so they could give me a bad name in order to taunt me." How exactly like the enemy is that? He rationalizes sin to us--through fear, desires, or whatever other methods he can find--in order to make us stumble and then be able to taunt us! The enemy is ever so good at making sin seem wonderful at first... and then just as good at taunting us about our failures one second after we've given in. Knowing his tactics is so important in order to stand against them.
Alright, I've used up just about all of the mental capacity I have at the moment, so I certainly hope it made some sort of sense. His word is so beautiful, and I'm loving reading through it. I am so grateful for His love letter to us...
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Brief thoughts from a worn traveler... ;)
"So I prayed to the God of heaven. And I said to the king..." (Nehemiah 2:4-5).
So I can't say that this verse has ever stuck out to me before tonight, but it definitely hit me when I read it this time. Nehemiah was in the process of grieving for his people, who had turned away from God, and the broken down wall of Jerusalem. He was cupbearer to the king, who noticed his grief and asked him what was wrong and what Nehemiah was requesting. The verses following these say that Nehemiah was "very much afraid." I suppose he was in a rather precarious situation, grieving over the state of his people--a people that was under captivity of the king with whom he was discussing the matter. But I love Nehemiah's response in this situation. When the king asked him what he was requesting, first, He "prayed to the God of heaven." Then, he "said to the king..." As I read these verses tonight, it just hit me that we should live life this way. No matter what we're facing, no matter how scared we are, no matter how much grief we're struggling with, no matter how immediately we need to respond to a situation, we can pray to our precious Father before and during facing each and every one of those situations. It doesn't say that Nehemiah left the room and fell on his face before God. Don't get me wrong, he had been doing that before this conversation ensued, so that is crucial for us to do. However, Nehemiah also prayed to God right then and there right as he faced the situation as well. God just needs to be this involved in our lives... or rather, we need to involve Him this much! He is so good... and He wants to be this involved. If you keep reading, you see how faithfully God answers those prayers Nehemiah lifted up to Him. Let's give Him the opportunity to show Himself so faithful in our lives as well as we seek His face, shall we? ;)
So I can't say that this verse has ever stuck out to me before tonight, but it definitely hit me when I read it this time. Nehemiah was in the process of grieving for his people, who had turned away from God, and the broken down wall of Jerusalem. He was cupbearer to the king, who noticed his grief and asked him what was wrong and what Nehemiah was requesting. The verses following these say that Nehemiah was "very much afraid." I suppose he was in a rather precarious situation, grieving over the state of his people--a people that was under captivity of the king with whom he was discussing the matter. But I love Nehemiah's response in this situation. When the king asked him what he was requesting, first, He "prayed to the God of heaven." Then, he "said to the king..." As I read these verses tonight, it just hit me that we should live life this way. No matter what we're facing, no matter how scared we are, no matter how much grief we're struggling with, no matter how immediately we need to respond to a situation, we can pray to our precious Father before and during facing each and every one of those situations. It doesn't say that Nehemiah left the room and fell on his face before God. Don't get me wrong, he had been doing that before this conversation ensued, so that is crucial for us to do. However, Nehemiah also prayed to God right then and there right as he faced the situation as well. God just needs to be this involved in our lives... or rather, we need to involve Him this much! He is so good... and He wants to be this involved. If you keep reading, you see how faithfully God answers those prayers Nehemiah lifted up to Him. Let's give Him the opportunity to show Himself so faithful in our lives as well as we seek His face, shall we? ;)
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
我的上帝在中国为我打架
Hello from China, Friends! I'm sorry I've done such a terrible job at keeping up with my blog since I left. Things have been pretty crazy since I've been here, and quite honestly I can't believe I've only been here a little over a week. It was one full week, that is for sure! I am trying to send out update e-mails on a somewhat more regular basis though, so if you want to be on that e-mail list, just let me know (supersieg@gmail.com)! I've sent out one update, which is probably more informative than this blog post will be, so I can pass that on to anyone who’s interested. But moving on...
So I was reading my Bible yesterday morning, and I came upon these two verses that really hit home for me:
So I was reading my Bible yesterday morning, and I came upon these two verses that really hit home for me:
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or dismayed before the king of Assyria and all the horde that is with him, for there are more with us than with him. With him is an arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God, to help us and to fight our battles... (2 Chronicles 32:7-8)
Basically, I felt like these verses summed up my adventures here in China so far. For those of you who kept up with my posts before I left the states, you are well aware that I was 'just slightly terrified' about coming to China. I didn't know what to expect... but, at least during the times I was having a hard time walking by faith, I definitely expected to be a disaster here--missing everyone back home, facing loneliness, and just struggling through life in general. God was so patient with me as I tried trusting Him for His faithfulness on this adventure on which He was about to take me. At times, I really was able to rest in Him and trust Him for those promises. At other times, I just fell apart and reverted back to the former fear. All of that said about my fears and expectations for this move… God has been so incredibly faithful and gracious to me. The more I reflect back on my time here, the more awed I am by His faithfulness. He is so good! The only way I have known to 'attempt' to explain this to the people I've talked to back home is that I haven't really been 'me.' I am just naturally a very anxious person, it takes me a long time to adjust to new things, I have a hard time getting to know people and being myself around people I’ve just met, etc. Yet somehow, that girl is not the girl that has been settling into life here in China. Don’t get me wrong… this has all been very out of my comfort zone, and this experience has been stretching me for sure. However, somehow I don’t ‘feel’ that stretched, and I have actually been rather loving and enjoying life here. Instead of being a nervous wreck about all of the training and teaching we were immediately thrown into—having to act completely ridiculous and teach in front of tons of Chinese parents and their kids and my co-workers and trainers and other trainees—I’ve just kind of… done it… without too much of a problem. I’ve also been able to, for the most part, just be myself around many of the new people I’ve met here… instantly clicking with many of them and foreseeing some really awesome friendships. Figuring out life without knowing the language is challenging as well, but I’ve just stepped out and done whatever I’ve needed/known to do, figuring it out as I go. Looking back over these last few sentences, I noticed a lot of ‘I’s’ when, in reality, God has to be doing all of this. That really is the only way I know how to explain it. Before coming here, God told me not to remember the former days—the days when I struggled through new things and lived in defeat for so long before He helped me rise above. He told me that He wanted to do something new… and all I know to say now is that… He really really has. He has done a beautiful new work in me. He is rising above my “arm of flesh” and fighting this battle for me—giving me victory in ways I’ve never experienced before. I am so grateful. I don’t know what this next year holds in store for me. I don’t know what battles I will face. I don’t know what plans the enemy has in store for me. But I do know now more than ever before that I can “be strong and courageous…not…afraid or dismayed…” and that “there are more with us than with…the horde that is with” the enemy. “With us is the LORD our God, to help us and to fight our battles.” God told me again and again before I came here that He was fighting for me. Sometimes I believed Him, and other times I didn’t know how to believe Him for that when I felt so defeated. But He has shown me just how much He meant that and how faithful He is to really fight for me. His words are more real than ever before: “I will never leave you nor forsake you”…even in China…so, even in China, I “can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me” (Hebrews 13:5-6)? Nothing... not when my God is fighting for me.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Wiser Words :)
So it seems my blog is becoming more full of other people's words than my own... but that might not be a bad thing... becauuuse, I would argue that other people have some much wiser things to say than what would be flowing from my fingertips at this point. So I shall again share something I just read that really encouraged me. Hope you enjoy. :)
It seems like it will be an ordinary week.
And yet...
Something inside me, something inside you, longs for extraordinary.
I tend to think that those kind of moments just aren't part of our day-to-day.
What if it's more that I'm not always looking for them?
Or that I sometimes rush past them even when they're in my path?
I think of the story of Moses and the burning bush. Moses is in the middle of the desert tending sheep, the equivalent of being in the middle of a work day for us today. Yours might happen in a cubicle in your kitchen with toddlers around your feet, in an airport.
And right there in the middle of that ordinary, God shows up.
I love what comes next...
"When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush...." Exodus 3:4
When Moses stopped to pay attention.
When he took time to notice the extraordinary.
When he turned aside from his to-do list...God changed everything.
Yes, there are seasons when we're simply called to be faithful, to do the simple and even unnoticed. But you just never know when it's going to be your time for a burning bush moment. You never know when God is going to step in and do the gloriously unexpected. We don't have to make it happen. We only have to be watchful and then willing.
It makes me smile to write these words.
Because our burning bush might be just around the corner.
Maybe today.
Maybe tomorrow.
Let's keep watching, keep waiting--God has more than we can even imagine ahead!
Posted: 29 Aug 2011 07:03 AM PDT
I open my email. I glance over my to-do list. I look at the appointments on my calendar. It seems like it will be an ordinary week.
And yet...
Something inside me, something inside you, longs for extraordinary.
I tend to think that those kind of moments just aren't part of our day-to-day.
What if it's more that I'm not always looking for them?
Or that I sometimes rush past them even when they're in my path?
I think of the story of Moses and the burning bush. Moses is in the middle of the desert tending sheep, the equivalent of being in the middle of a work day for us today. Yours might happen in a cubicle in your kitchen with toddlers around your feet, in an airport.
And right there in the middle of that ordinary, God shows up.
I love what comes next...
"When the LORD saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush...." Exodus 3:4
When Moses stopped to pay attention.
When he took time to notice the extraordinary.
When he turned aside from his to-do list...God changed everything.
Yes, there are seasons when we're simply called to be faithful, to do the simple and even unnoticed. But you just never know when it's going to be your time for a burning bush moment. You never know when God is going to step in and do the gloriously unexpected. We don't have to make it happen. We only have to be watchful and then willing.
It makes me smile to write these words.
Because our burning bush might be just around the corner.
Maybe today.
Maybe tomorrow.
Let's keep watching, keep waiting--God has more than we can even imagine ahead!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
It's all about perspective...
So I got an e-mail from a friend today, and it gave me such sweet, fresh perspective... so I wanted to share it with you all. Hope it's as encouraging to you as it was to me. I love how God gives us what He knows we need. He's been doing *a lot* of that lately that I'll have to share more about soon. Until then... here's a perspective awakener. :)
THE VISION OF CHILDREN
When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are
going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white
fluff you can wish on.
When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty
person who probably wants money and I look away. My kids see someone
smiling at them and they smile back.
When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much
rhythm so I sit self consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and
move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make
up their own.
When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing
up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes,
spread their arms and fly with it until they fall to the ground laughing.
When I pray I say Thee and Thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids
say, “Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad
dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss
my Mommy and Daddy.”
When I see a mud puddle, I step around it. I see muddy shoes and clothes
and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to
cross and worms to play with.
I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from?
No wonder God loves the little children!!
Author Unknown
THE VISION OF CHILDREN
When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are
going to take over my yard. My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white
fluff you can wish on.
When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty
person who probably wants money and I look away. My kids see someone
smiling at them and they smile back.
When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much
rhythm so I sit self consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and
move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make
up their own.
When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing
up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes,
spread their arms and fly with it until they fall to the ground laughing.
When I pray I say Thee and Thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids
say, “Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad
dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss
my Mommy and Daddy.”
When I see a mud puddle, I step around it. I see muddy shoes and clothes
and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to
cross and worms to play with.
I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from?
No wonder God loves the little children!!
Author Unknown
Saturday, August 20, 2011
A Weary Heart
So 18 days and counting until I fly out to China. The past few days, reality has hit more than ever before, and it is tough. On top of that, multiple other arenas of life have decided to crash in around me. So basically, I just need your prayers. The enemy is doing a pretty good job of beating me down, and my heart is so so weary. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle... or even more like I don't have any fight left in me and I'm just losing. I think bits of truth are trying to get through to me, but it's like they can't break through my wearied heart. So please pray for me.
"I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies (2 Samuel 22:4).
"I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies (2 Samuel 22:4).
Thursday, August 11, 2011
God Speaks
Wow. Sometimes I wish I could just plug my brain into the computer, and the journey God is taking me on would be perfectly transcribed into a blog post... because my words feel so inadequate. For starters, God is so so good. I cannot even begin to give you a glimpse of His goodness that has been so beautifully evident in my life. It is incredible to think back to barely over one month ago--before this whole journey started--and see how much God has already revealed to and taught me. There seems to be a breaking point in each new lesson, where I feel like I have nothing left and cannot keep going; but every time I turn the corner, I see the beauty of what He's just taught me and feel the strength... HIS strength... carrying me on to the next step. How cool is that?!
So I finally turned that 'next corner' this afternoon. The past few days have been rough, both Sunday and Tuesday ending in a bucketful of tears. I spent time with my family this weekend and sort of emotionally struggled through the weekend. Then on the way home this past Sunday, I reached the end of myself and felt completely overwhelmed, discouraged, and just weary with life. I ended that evening talking to my beautiful roommate, Carmen. We discussed why it is that we can so clearly see truth in other people's lives, and yet be so blinded to that same truth in our own lives. For instance, I had shared so excitedly with some ministry friends earlier that day about the big God we serve and how they just needed to 'go in the strength' that they had, and God would do big things! Yet, that very same evening, I was facing total despair about my upcoming move to China and how I wasn't 'enough.' As we talked, God brought back to my heart the words my dad had shared with me this weekend. Just recently, he did the service for his brother's funeral. He told me that the entire time he was trying to prepare for that service, it was just like he couldn't do it. Finally, the night before the funeral, he shared with my mom what he had come up with, only for her to point out that he hadn't used the verses my aunt had asked him to use. So it was like starting over. But God showed Himself so mightily the next day. My dad said that the morning of the funeral, while we were all at the church singing some praise songs, it was like God was pouring into him the words He wanted him to share at that service... so by time he got up to share, he was ready. My dad said that day changed him... it changed his faith. He said that he now lives expectantly, just waiting for the next time God is going to show up and do something that he can't do. What a way to live! Not wondering 'if' God is going to come through, but just wondering when and how He's going to come do something beyond our abilities! So Carmen and I talked about that and about how we should live expecting victory, rather than expecting defeat the way we had been! What an insult that must be to our God... the God of the Universe lives inside of us--and we recognize His power and victory in other people's lives--but we falter when it comes to our own lives, expecting failure and defeat. The Israelites lived that way. Instead of remembering all of the mighty works God did for them and trusting Him to come through again, they would cry out about how they were going to die out in the desert (expecting defeat) and how they should have just stayed in Egypt to die... and I believe God WAS insulted. His anger burned against the Israelites over and over again. He longed for them to trust Him for the victory that He continually brought them! So it was a beautiful, encouraging conversation with Carmen that night, and we decided we needed to live expecting that victory. But it wasn't quite the end of the beautiful lesson God was teaching me...
Last night, I fell apart again. My quickly-approaching departure date had been sinking in more and more, and I just melted into a ridiculous puddle of tears. I believe the resounding words in my brain were, "It's so soon... I'm not ready." I shared my fears with Andrew about how I was going to be a disaster whenever I talked to him on skype. I had learned--or thought I had learned--the 'expecting victory' lesson, so I did believe that God would give victory and do things beyond my ability. However, I still expected to fall apart every night in my apartment by myself, after holding it together all day. I was trying to be realistic and knew that, although God is so faithful, He does still allow us to struggle... and God even tells us that life will be hard. Andrew was so super encouraging and reminded me that God's got me... I just have to go. Such a beautiful reminder... so I emotionally 'returned' for a little while again.
Apparently though, I'm a slow kid, so this story continues into today. I was talking to Carmen again and told her how she shouldn't talk to me on skype once I moved, because I would be a mess--to which she responded, "It sounds like you're expecting defeat, Katherine." I blurted out my 'being realistic' argument... several different times in several different ways... but Carmen was rather persistent. ;) Finally, I shared that God has been faithful to me my whole life, but I've still always been 'a mess' when I face new things... even new little things... that's just the person I've always been. Conclusion? If God has been ever faithful to me, and yet I've still struggled the way I do through each 'new thing' I've faced in my life, He can be faithful and bring victory in China and still allow me to be a disaster when I am alone and weary of being strong. At that point, Carmen simply said, "What does God say about all of this? Let's ask Him." She stopped right there and asked God to speak to me about all of this. Ohhh, such little faith that I have... as soon as she stopped praying, my mind went every which way, just wandering and thinking about anything it could get its hands on... and I honestly didn't expect God to say anything to me... or at least for me to be able to hear it because my mind wouldn't clear itself. But out of nowhere, this verse entered my mind: "Remember not the former things... Behold, I am doing a new thing..." (Isaiah 43:18-19). I honestly was grasping to figure out where that had come from and could barely contain myself when I realized that God had directly answered Carmen's prayer and had spoken straight to my heart. It was like He was straight up telling me, "Katherine, forget the way you've always struggled through life... because I want to do something new." Dude. The God of the Universe knows me... He knows how I've always been and the weak person that I still am today... and He asked me to forget all of that and let Him do something new. We read the whole chapter of Isaiah 43 together, and there were just some beautiful verses in there: "But now thus says the LORD, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you'" (43:1-2). "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. The wild beasts will honor me, the jackals and the ostriches, for I give water in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise" (43:18-21). I was overwhelmed to tears with gratitude that my God, my King, had spoken so clearly to my heart. When Carmen and I prayed together, we asked God to help us not expect victory to 'just get by,' which seemed to be what I was believing. God wants to bring us complete, ultimate, total victory in Him. I think that for much of my life, I have chosen to settle for partial victory, letting Him do big things around and through me, but still struggling in my heart instead of accepting the victory He wants to have there as well.
I want that victory... total victory... AND I want to learn--moment by moment on this journey God has me on--how to expect and believe Him to bring that victory. So to start this victory adventure, I am now documenting my glimpse of some beautiful victory today, Wednesday, August 10, 2011. God spoke to my heart and told me to forget the former things, for behold... He wants to do something new... and right about now, I'm all about new things. Commence... enjoyment of the ride! ;)
So I finally turned that 'next corner' this afternoon. The past few days have been rough, both Sunday and Tuesday ending in a bucketful of tears. I spent time with my family this weekend and sort of emotionally struggled through the weekend. Then on the way home this past Sunday, I reached the end of myself and felt completely overwhelmed, discouraged, and just weary with life. I ended that evening talking to my beautiful roommate, Carmen. We discussed why it is that we can so clearly see truth in other people's lives, and yet be so blinded to that same truth in our own lives. For instance, I had shared so excitedly with some ministry friends earlier that day about the big God we serve and how they just needed to 'go in the strength' that they had, and God would do big things! Yet, that very same evening, I was facing total despair about my upcoming move to China and how I wasn't 'enough.' As we talked, God brought back to my heart the words my dad had shared with me this weekend. Just recently, he did the service for his brother's funeral. He told me that the entire time he was trying to prepare for that service, it was just like he couldn't do it. Finally, the night before the funeral, he shared with my mom what he had come up with, only for her to point out that he hadn't used the verses my aunt had asked him to use. So it was like starting over. But God showed Himself so mightily the next day. My dad said that the morning of the funeral, while we were all at the church singing some praise songs, it was like God was pouring into him the words He wanted him to share at that service... so by time he got up to share, he was ready. My dad said that day changed him... it changed his faith. He said that he now lives expectantly, just waiting for the next time God is going to show up and do something that he can't do. What a way to live! Not wondering 'if' God is going to come through, but just wondering when and how He's going to come do something beyond our abilities! So Carmen and I talked about that and about how we should live expecting victory, rather than expecting defeat the way we had been! What an insult that must be to our God... the God of the Universe lives inside of us--and we recognize His power and victory in other people's lives--but we falter when it comes to our own lives, expecting failure and defeat. The Israelites lived that way. Instead of remembering all of the mighty works God did for them and trusting Him to come through again, they would cry out about how they were going to die out in the desert (expecting defeat) and how they should have just stayed in Egypt to die... and I believe God WAS insulted. His anger burned against the Israelites over and over again. He longed for them to trust Him for the victory that He continually brought them! So it was a beautiful, encouraging conversation with Carmen that night, and we decided we needed to live expecting that victory. But it wasn't quite the end of the beautiful lesson God was teaching me...
Last night, I fell apart again. My quickly-approaching departure date had been sinking in more and more, and I just melted into a ridiculous puddle of tears. I believe the resounding words in my brain were, "It's so soon... I'm not ready." I shared my fears with Andrew about how I was going to be a disaster whenever I talked to him on skype. I had learned--or thought I had learned--the 'expecting victory' lesson, so I did believe that God would give victory and do things beyond my ability. However, I still expected to fall apart every night in my apartment by myself, after holding it together all day. I was trying to be realistic and knew that, although God is so faithful, He does still allow us to struggle... and God even tells us that life will be hard. Andrew was so super encouraging and reminded me that God's got me... I just have to go. Such a beautiful reminder... so I emotionally 'returned' for a little while again.
Apparently though, I'm a slow kid, so this story continues into today. I was talking to Carmen again and told her how she shouldn't talk to me on skype once I moved, because I would be a mess--to which she responded, "It sounds like you're expecting defeat, Katherine." I blurted out my 'being realistic' argument... several different times in several different ways... but Carmen was rather persistent. ;) Finally, I shared that God has been faithful to me my whole life, but I've still always been 'a mess' when I face new things... even new little things... that's just the person I've always been. Conclusion? If God has been ever faithful to me, and yet I've still struggled the way I do through each 'new thing' I've faced in my life, He can be faithful and bring victory in China and still allow me to be a disaster when I am alone and weary of being strong. At that point, Carmen simply said, "What does God say about all of this? Let's ask Him." She stopped right there and asked God to speak to me about all of this. Ohhh, such little faith that I have... as soon as she stopped praying, my mind went every which way, just wandering and thinking about anything it could get its hands on... and I honestly didn't expect God to say anything to me... or at least for me to be able to hear it because my mind wouldn't clear itself. But out of nowhere, this verse entered my mind: "Remember not the former things... Behold, I am doing a new thing..." (Isaiah 43:18-19). I honestly was grasping to figure out where that had come from and could barely contain myself when I realized that God had directly answered Carmen's prayer and had spoken straight to my heart. It was like He was straight up telling me, "Katherine, forget the way you've always struggled through life... because I want to do something new." Dude. The God of the Universe knows me... He knows how I've always been and the weak person that I still am today... and He asked me to forget all of that and let Him do something new. We read the whole chapter of Isaiah 43 together, and there were just some beautiful verses in there: "But now thus says the LORD, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you'" (43:1-2). "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. The wild beasts will honor me, the jackals and the ostriches, for I give water in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise" (43:18-21). I was overwhelmed to tears with gratitude that my God, my King, had spoken so clearly to my heart. When Carmen and I prayed together, we asked God to help us not expect victory to 'just get by,' which seemed to be what I was believing. God wants to bring us complete, ultimate, total victory in Him. I think that for much of my life, I have chosen to settle for partial victory, letting Him do big things around and through me, but still struggling in my heart instead of accepting the victory He wants to have there as well.
I want that victory... total victory... AND I want to learn--moment by moment on this journey God has me on--how to expect and believe Him to bring that victory. So to start this victory adventure, I am now documenting my glimpse of some beautiful victory today, Wednesday, August 10, 2011. God spoke to my heart and told me to forget the former things, for behold... He wants to do something new... and right about now, I'm all about new things. Commence... enjoyment of the ride! ;)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Encouragement from a Devotional
Just a whisper for you as you start the week...
I'm thinking of you, wherever you are, starting the week and wondering what it will hold.
And I just want to whisper that you're loved by the One who will hold you no matter what comes.
Yes, He sees you, knows you, understands every detail.
He delights in who you are, in what you do--even the things you think no one notices.
Your life has a purpose.
You matter so much.
You are on your way to good things ahead.
And today is the next step.
So take a deep breath and move ahead, my friend.
I'm so grateful to walk with you too.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Encouragement from a Sister
So a sweet sister sent me an e-mail, and I wanted to share her encouragement.
Places that we will never imagine, the Lord will take us... Here is something very powerful, that encouraged my when I left to USA, many years ago and I really want to share it with you.
Paul says in Philippians 3:7-14. But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Shalom...
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Go in the strength you have...
So my mom has been here with me for the past few days, and it was wonderful. There was something about her presence that was very calming. We got so much done as far as prepping for China, and we had fun doing it... I think I would have cried through it all had I been doing it alone. So basically, it was such a blessing and an encouraging time. And then she left...
And then I realized that whenever I am alone these days, I seem to enter this 'can't function/cant get anything done/have mental and emotional panic attacks mode. It was so peaceful with Mom here, and I could get so much done; but as soon as she left, I didn't want to move a muscle to do anything to get ready for China. My mind started reeling, and I all of a sudden felt so so weak *yet again.* So I opened the Bible and picked up where I left off in Judges last. Israel yet again "did what was evil in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD gave them into the hands of Midian seven years. The power of Midian prevailed against Israel" (Judges 6:1-2). & then God had mercy on them yet again. He called Midian to lead them to battle against Midian... and I absolutely love the conversation that follows:
The next really cool thing I got from this was over one more chapter. Gideon has gathered the army, God has weeded out the army so that there are only 300 men left to fight (so He can show everyone that HE was really doing the fighting), etc, etc... So Gideon has, so far, gone in the strength he had and been faithful in his weakness. Check out this verse:
How does the battle end? The Midianites flip out and start turning on each other with their swords... and the rest is history. How about God doing that fighting for us, hm?
Anyways, I'm feeling rather like a weak Gideon today. So that just means that I can go in the strength that I have and watch God do some world-rocking, eh?
And then I realized that whenever I am alone these days, I seem to enter this 'can't function/cant get anything done/have mental and emotional panic attacks mode. It was so peaceful with Mom here, and I could get so much done; but as soon as she left, I didn't want to move a muscle to do anything to get ready for China. My mind started reeling, and I all of a sudden felt so so weak *yet again.* So I opened the Bible and picked up where I left off in Judges last. Israel yet again "did what was evil in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD gave them into the hands of Midian seven years. The power of Midian prevailed against Israel" (Judges 6:1-2). & then God had mercy on them yet again. He called Midian to lead them to battle against Midian... and I absolutely love the conversation that follows:
And the LORD turned to him and said, "Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?" And he said to him, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house." And the LORD said to him, "But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man."So first of all, God says "Go in this might of yours..." or as another version says, "Go in the strength you have"! As you keep reading, you'll quickly see how much strength that is...or is not, to be more accurate. Gideon's clan was the weakest around... and, on top of that, Gideon was the least in his family! So the strength that he had was pretty lacking, and Gideon quickly pointed that out to God. However, God didn't hesitate one moment. I can just picture God listening to Gideon spout off his spiel about how weak he is and then God saying, "I know, I know how weak you are. That's why I said, 'go in the strength you have'... it doesn't matter how weak you are, because I'm going with you!" Shabam. God doesn't call strong people, so that they are strong enough to accomplish things for His name. He calls weak people, so that He can accomplish things for His name through them.
The next really cool thing I got from this was over one more chapter. Gideon has gathered the army, God has weeded out the army so that there are only 300 men left to fight (so He can show everyone that HE was really doing the fighting), etc, etc... So Gideon has, so far, gone in the strength he had and been faithful in his weakness. Check out this verse:
Now the same night it came about that the LORD said to him, "Arise, go down against the camp, for I have given it into your hands. But if you are afraid to go down, go with Purah your servant down to the camp, and you will hear what they say, and afterward your hands will be strengthened that you may go down against the camp" (Judges 7:9-11).God knew Gideon so well. He knew that, despite his obedience and faithfulness in doing what God was calling, he was still afraid. & God didn't strike him down or chew him out for that fear. Instead, He met Gideon right where he was--so graciously comforting and strengthening him. That's the God I serve. He calls us to big, crazy, scary, illogical things--like taking a 300-man army up against... what, a 135,000-man army? But He walks right next to us into and through those big, crazy, scary, illogical things... providing the strength and comfort we need along the way, not to mention how He actually does the fighting for us.
How does the battle end? The Midianites flip out and start turning on each other with their swords... and the rest is history. How about God doing that fighting for us, hm?
Anyways, I'm feeling rather like a weak Gideon today. So that just means that I can go in the strength that I have and watch God do some world-rocking, eh?
Sunday, July 24, 2011
*Claiming Victory!*
So the book of Joshua ends with God so faithfully fighting for and bringing rest to His people. Joshua 21:43-45 says, "So the LORD gave Israel all the land which He had sworn to give to their fathers, and they possessed it and lived in it. And the LORD gave them rest on every side, according to all that He had sworn to their fathers, and no one of all their enemies stood before them; the LORD gave all their enemies into their hand. Not one of the good promises which the LORD had made to the house of Israel failed; all came to pass." What a beautiful picture of God fighting for His people and bringing them victory!
And yet after this magnificent, God-given victory, Judges chapter 1 is filled with these statements: "But Manasseh did not take possession..." "...so the Canaanites persisted in living in that land..." "...but they did not drive them out completely..." "...Ephraim did not drive out the Canaanites..." "...so the Canaanites lived in Gezer among them..." "...Zebulun did not drive out the inhabitants..." "...so the Canaanites lived among them..." "...Asher did not drive out the inhabitants..." "...So the Asherites lived among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land, for they did not drive them out..." "Naphtali did not drive out the inhabitants..." "...but lived among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land..." "Then the Amorites forced the sons of Dan into the hill country, for they did not allow them to come down to the valley..." I pondered the meaning of all of this as I read it and then read this note at the bottom of the page: "Like all other tribes, Dan had a territory given them, but they failed to claim the power of God to conquer that territory. Later they capitulated even more by accepting defeat and migrating to another territory in the N. becoming idolatrous (Jdg 18)." How tragic. What happened to the mind-boggling, other-nation-terrifying victory God had been giving to His people? What happened to the people of whom it was spoken, "One of your men puts to flight a thousand, for the LORD your God is He who fights for you, just as He promised you" (Joshua 23:10)? What happened to the miracles such as when God "sent the hornet before you and it drove out the two kings of the Amorites from before you, but not by your sword or your bow" (Joshua 24:12)? Did God stop fighting for His people?
Heck no.
God's people "failed to claim the power of God to conquer"! They stopped claiming His power, and they stopped claiming His victory; and I have only read through the first two chapters in Judges, but believe me... it gets bad real quick. In chapter 2, Israel already faces defeat before their enemies. How quickly can the enemy bring defeat when we stop claiming the power of God in our lives...
Man, friends, as crazy as the past few weeks has been, how beautiful it is to walk through these early books of the Bible and see the Bible absolutely come to life in my own journey. Yesterday, along with several other days in the past week or two, I stopped claiming the power of God in my life. I may have used the excuse that I had no strength left, and God needed to fight for me. But really, I gave up and stopped claiming His power and gave into defeat. I guess I decided I would let the Canaanites keep living in the land and would just live amongst them. I gave up on victory. Why why WHY would I give up on the victory that God wants to give me? I can so clearly see how ridiculous it was for the Israelites--when God gave them a territory--to give up on claiming victory over that territory. But how much harder is it to see in my own life how absolutely ridiculous it is to give up on claiming the victory that God wants to bring over the territory He has given to me?! Yesterday I realized that I have to do this China thing. I know that there is no way in my life I could decide not to go to China right now, because I know more clearly than probably anything else I've ever known in my life that I'm supposed to do this. BUT I do not want to go through this only because I know I have to... I do not want to go kicking and screaming. Man, I want to enjoy the ride... enJOY it! My dad reminded me the other day that God calls us to "Rejoice ALWAYS!" (1 Thess. 5:16). I need and want to have joy on this journey. I want to have victory on this journey... on the journey... not just at the end of the journey. I don't want to force my way through the next months and year in fear, struggling to get through it, clinging on for dear life. I want to soar on the wings of the ONE who's called me here and wants to give me the ride of a lifetime as I keep running His race! So I can accept defeat in my heart and go through the motions of doing what I know God has called me to do. OR I can claim the victory that is already mine in my Jesus and enjoy the crazy ride that God wants to take me on. Oooo what a difficult choice, eh? Man, I'm so ready to claim the power of God in my life... I'm so ready to claim the victory He wants to give me... I'm so ready to claim the territory He's bringing me to...
It's all so clear right now. I'm practically blinded by the brightness of the truth God is shining in my eyes. And I am absolutely joy-filled on this journey. Aaaand I am writing this down, because I don't know when the enemy will try to drown me in his lies again. The past few weeks, I have faced a spiritual battle that I've never encountered before. Maybe people think I'm being dramatic, but it has been more real to me than you can even imagine. And when the enemy starts hounding me, I slide pretty quickly back into a pit deeper than I know how to get out of. I'm blinded by lies instead of truth, and I literally cannot see past those lies, no matter what anybody says or what I tell myself. I get stuck. It's been an ugly cycle, and I'm ready to break that cycle... or let God break that cycle. It's only by His grace that I'm writing this post tonight. He has so faithfully picked me up every... single... time... that I've pitifully fallen and started drowning again. There's nothing I or anybody around me can do or say to pick me up from that spot... but somehow He does. And I want to claim the truth that He will either keep me up this time... or that He will pick me up yet again when I slip back down. I'm all about doing some claiming right about now. The enemy makes me think that there is nothing to claim. But God has shown me that there is oh so much He is just longing for me to claim--His power, His victory, and His JOY for starters.
I think I could go on forever at this point. But there it is... man, people, let's just stop failing to claim the power of God to conquer! He is just itching to do some conquering for us, so why on earth would we stop Him from doing that conquering?!
And yet after this magnificent, God-given victory, Judges chapter 1 is filled with these statements: "But Manasseh did not take possession..." "...so the Canaanites persisted in living in that land..." "...but they did not drive them out completely..." "...Ephraim did not drive out the Canaanites..." "...so the Canaanites lived in Gezer among them..." "...Zebulun did not drive out the inhabitants..." "...so the Canaanites lived among them..." "...Asher did not drive out the inhabitants..." "...So the Asherites lived among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land, for they did not drive them out..." "Naphtali did not drive out the inhabitants..." "...but lived among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land..." "Then the Amorites forced the sons of Dan into the hill country, for they did not allow them to come down to the valley..." I pondered the meaning of all of this as I read it and then read this note at the bottom of the page: "Like all other tribes, Dan had a territory given them, but they failed to claim the power of God to conquer that territory. Later they capitulated even more by accepting defeat and migrating to another territory in the N. becoming idolatrous (Jdg 18)." How tragic. What happened to the mind-boggling, other-nation-terrifying victory God had been giving to His people? What happened to the people of whom it was spoken, "One of your men puts to flight a thousand, for the LORD your God is He who fights for you, just as He promised you" (Joshua 23:10)? What happened to the miracles such as when God "sent the hornet before you and it drove out the two kings of the Amorites from before you, but not by your sword or your bow" (Joshua 24:12)? Did God stop fighting for His people?
Heck no.
God's people "failed to claim the power of God to conquer"! They stopped claiming His power, and they stopped claiming His victory; and I have only read through the first two chapters in Judges, but believe me... it gets bad real quick. In chapter 2, Israel already faces defeat before their enemies. How quickly can the enemy bring defeat when we stop claiming the power of God in our lives...
Man, friends, as crazy as the past few weeks has been, how beautiful it is to walk through these early books of the Bible and see the Bible absolutely come to life in my own journey. Yesterday, along with several other days in the past week or two, I stopped claiming the power of God in my life. I may have used the excuse that I had no strength left, and God needed to fight for me. But really, I gave up and stopped claiming His power and gave into defeat. I guess I decided I would let the Canaanites keep living in the land and would just live amongst them. I gave up on victory. Why why WHY would I give up on the victory that God wants to give me? I can so clearly see how ridiculous it was for the Israelites--when God gave them a territory--to give up on claiming victory over that territory. But how much harder is it to see in my own life how absolutely ridiculous it is to give up on claiming the victory that God wants to bring over the territory He has given to me?! Yesterday I realized that I have to do this China thing. I know that there is no way in my life I could decide not to go to China right now, because I know more clearly than probably anything else I've ever known in my life that I'm supposed to do this. BUT I do not want to go through this only because I know I have to... I do not want to go kicking and screaming. Man, I want to enjoy the ride... enJOY it! My dad reminded me the other day that God calls us to "Rejoice ALWAYS!" (1 Thess. 5:16). I need and want to have joy on this journey. I want to have victory on this journey... on the journey... not just at the end of the journey. I don't want to force my way through the next months and year in fear, struggling to get through it, clinging on for dear life. I want to soar on the wings of the ONE who's called me here and wants to give me the ride of a lifetime as I keep running His race! So I can accept defeat in my heart and go through the motions of doing what I know God has called me to do. OR I can claim the victory that is already mine in my Jesus and enjoy the crazy ride that God wants to take me on. Oooo what a difficult choice, eh? Man, I'm so ready to claim the power of God in my life... I'm so ready to claim the victory He wants to give me... I'm so ready to claim the territory He's bringing me to...
It's all so clear right now. I'm practically blinded by the brightness of the truth God is shining in my eyes. And I am absolutely joy-filled on this journey. Aaaand I am writing this down, because I don't know when the enemy will try to drown me in his lies again. The past few weeks, I have faced a spiritual battle that I've never encountered before. Maybe people think I'm being dramatic, but it has been more real to me than you can even imagine. And when the enemy starts hounding me, I slide pretty quickly back into a pit deeper than I know how to get out of. I'm blinded by lies instead of truth, and I literally cannot see past those lies, no matter what anybody says or what I tell myself. I get stuck. It's been an ugly cycle, and I'm ready to break that cycle... or let God break that cycle. It's only by His grace that I'm writing this post tonight. He has so faithfully picked me up every... single... time... that I've pitifully fallen and started drowning again. There's nothing I or anybody around me can do or say to pick me up from that spot... but somehow He does. And I want to claim the truth that He will either keep me up this time... or that He will pick me up yet again when I slip back down. I'm all about doing some claiming right about now. The enemy makes me think that there is nothing to claim. But God has shown me that there is oh so much He is just longing for me to claim--His power, His victory, and His JOY for starters.
I think I could go on forever at this point. But there it is... man, people, let's just stop failing to claim the power of God to conquer! He is just itching to do some conquering for us, so why on earth would we stop Him from doing that conquering?!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Thankful...
So I read this devotional back in June and shared it with my family because it was so encouraging. My mom just e-mailed it back to me tonight, and I needed to hear it more than ever. I've been a bucketful of tears tonight. But my heart felt so hopeful and refreshed after reading these words again. How does she always know what I need? ;) Thanks, Mom... and thanks, God, for reminding me of these truths...
God-sized Dreams: The Disclaimers
I’ve been talking about God-sized Dreams for almost two years now on my blog. And I’m writing a book for Revell on them too. As I’ve put my pen to paper and fingers to keyboard lately, I’ve realized how differently this journey has turned out from what I’ve expected. It’s been good, so good, but there are also some things I wish someone had told me when I was getting started.
So, my friends, I’m sharing them with you.
I like to think of them as the Dream Disclaimers {thanks for the phrase, Denise!}
Disclaimer 1: You will never figure out what God is doing. Ever.
I’m the kind of girl who likes to have a strategy. Put it in a mission statement, powerpoint, or at least a well-thought out conversation. Before I ever go on vacation I’ve already picked out where I’ll eat every meal. I want to know the itinerary and the destination.
And I tend to ask God for both of those things. Ladies, He does not cooperate.
When it comes to God-sized Dreams, you might get the next step. You might catch a glimpse of the vision. You might know where you think you’re going. But then…
Our big, mysterious God shows up and you realize you don’t have a clue. His ways are beyond figuring out. This doesn’t mean you’re missing something, doing it wrong, or are wrong the path. It just means He’s God and we’re not.
That’s the best and hardest part all wrapped into one.
Disclaimer 2: The fear will never go away.
I remember the first time I ever went on a roller coaster. I sat next to my Dad, clenched the bar until my knuckles were white, and kept whispering over and over, “It’s gonna be fun. It’s gonna be fun.” God-sized Dreams feel a lot like that too. I thought at some point the fear would go away. It doesn’t–there’s always another hill, another twist and turn you didn’t expect, another reason why you don’t feel ready.
Get used to fear. It’s what pushes you into faith.
That knot in your stomach isn’t untying anytime soon–the only option is to accept it as part of the ride and even dare to enjoy it a bit. Put your arms in the air, feel the rush, and scream your guts out all the way into whatever it is God has for you. Wheee!
Disclaimer 3: You will never feel like you are enough.
If you tuned into my thoughts like a radio station, there would be a thousand versions of the same song playing. And the choruses would all have these two words, “When I….” I’ve told myself when my blog grew I’d feel like enough. When I got a book contract I’d feel like enough. When I finally learned how to accessorize I would feel like enough {thank you, TJ Maxx}.
But here’s a secret: Success can be even more frightening than failure because it comes with higher expectations. That’s why it’s so darn scary. Getting your “When I…” will never take that insecurity away–it will only put a magnifying glass to it.
BUT we don’t need to be enough. Because God says to our hearts, “You don’t have to be enough…because I am more than enough in you.” You’ve already got what it takes for your God-sized Dream because you have the ultimate Dreamer {and Fulfiller} living inside you.
I don’t know what dream is knocking on your heart today or what might be holding you back from opening the door. But let me lean in and whisper to you…
“Hey, beautiful girl, it’s okay. Let that dream come on in. You’ve got what it takes. You’re going to be okay. Even more than that–you’re going to change the world. It’s not going to be what you expect. Not at all. Oh, it’s going to be so much more.”
The world is waiting.
For you–wonderful, imperfect, glorious, God-filled, messy you.
knock-knock.
It’s your time.
And I dare you to turn the knob…
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Got Joy?
So I found a note card I had used to take notes during one of our middle school Bible club messages. One of our co-leaders had challenged us to write a list of the things we wanted to be accomplishing with our lives. The top two I wrote down were: 1) Do something meaningful and 2) Live surrendered to Jesus. Another on the list was to 'love people.' I feel like all three of those things will happen through this China journey. So that was pretty super encouraging. :)
One of the items on the list, though, tugged at my heart as I realized I'm rather failing at living it out... and that is to 'be contagiously joy-filled.' I'd say I've been more 'contagiously defeated.' Pretty much lame. And I'd really love to change that!
So that's my goal for now. I may not know how I'm going to 'do life' the next week, month, and year... but I sure can focus on the next minute, hour, and day, and choosing to be contagiously joy-filled in those moments. So that's the plan... feel free to hold me to it. ;)
One of the items on the list, though, tugged at my heart as I realized I'm rather failing at living it out... and that is to 'be contagiously joy-filled.' I'd say I've been more 'contagiously defeated.' Pretty much lame. And I'd really love to change that!
So that's my goal for now. I may not know how I'm going to 'do life' the next week, month, and year... but I sure can focus on the next minute, hour, and day, and choosing to be contagiously joy-filled in those moments. So that's the plan... feel free to hold me to it. ;)
He Fights for Me...
So in an earlier blog post I wrote about my battle with fear and how God finally lifted that burden from me. Throughout that entire struggle, I was reading through Deuteronomy, and there was this constant theme of not fearing and instead trusting in God's proven faithfulness. This morning I was encouraged as I realized that God is again meeting me where I am every moment in this struggle... through every 'theme' I'm facing, He's providing truths and beautiful reminders in my life to meet me in that place. The past few days I've been feeling like I have no fight left in me. I'm so emotionally and mentally drained, and I've reached a desperation of hopelessness and helplessness to do anything about it. And so I read in Joshua this morning, since I've finished Deuteronomy. Israel started entering the land God promised them and called them to go in and take. As they fought nation after nation, God gave those nations into their hands like it was nothing... and, dude, this is so cool...: "Joshua captured all these kings and their lands at one time, because the LORD, the God of Israel, fought for Israel" (Joshua 10:42). Again and again this morning, I read that same line throughout Joshua... God stopped the sun in the middle of the sky for an entire day, "for the LORD fought for Israel...." "the LORD confounded them before Israel..." "the LORD threw large stones from heaven on them..." "the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the sons of Israel..." "The LORD gave it also with its king into the hands of Israel..." And finally, tons of these kings/nations/armies decided to collaborate to defeat Israel together, because they saw everyone falling before them. Joshua 11:4 says, "They came out, they and all their armies with them, as many people as the sand that is on the seashore, with very many horses and chariots. So all of these kings having agreed to meet, came and encamped together at the waters of Merom, to fight against Israel." The power of God and His people was reaching everywhere, so all of these forces decided to unite to end this thing... as many people as the sand on the seashore! "Then the LORD said to Joshua, 'Do not be afraid because of them, for tomorrow at this time I will deliver all of them slain before Israel..." (Joshua 11:6). It goes on to tell of Joshua and Israel defeating every single one of them... and then, one other thing caught my attention... "For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, to meet Israel in battle in order that he might utterly destroy them, that they might receive no mercy, but that he might destroy them, just as the LORD had commanded Moses" (Joshua 11:20). It struck me that God didn't just protect Israel from these nations that decided to come attack them. God actually hardened these nations hearts to cause them to go against Israel in battle, in order that He could defeat them and give Israel the land He had promised them and called them to go in and take! Let that one sink in.......
God hardened nations' hearts so that they would attack His people. If you stop there, that sounds pretty bad. But that isn't where it ends! God then fought for His people to bring them into a place of freedom--a place that He had set apart for His people. The God of Israel fought and won every one of those battles... and that is the same God that I serve... the same God that is fighting for me today and has been fighting for me every second of this battle I have been facing. Who am I to resent this battle when my God may have even caused the enemy to come up against me so that He could fight for me and accomplish His purposes--beautiful purposes that I can't even begin to comprehend without seeing the picture God sees?
My merciful, faithful, loving God reminded me this morning that He is fighting for me. He knows I have no strength left inside of me, and He is powerfully meeting every enemy and battle that comes to meet me. My God is so good...
God hardened nations' hearts so that they would attack His people. If you stop there, that sounds pretty bad. But that isn't where it ends! God then fought for His people to bring them into a place of freedom--a place that He had set apart for His people. The God of Israel fought and won every one of those battles... and that is the same God that I serve... the same God that is fighting for me today and has been fighting for me every second of this battle I have been facing. Who am I to resent this battle when my God may have even caused the enemy to come up against me so that He could fight for me and accomplish His purposes--beautiful purposes that I can't even begin to comprehend without seeing the picture God sees?
My merciful, faithful, loving God reminded me this morning that He is fighting for me. He knows I have no strength left inside of me, and He is powerfully meeting every enemy and battle that comes to meet me. My God is so good...
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Beautiful Reminders
So I read devotional after devotional this morning that spoke right to what I'm facing and figured I'd share them with you. Hope you enjoy! :)
From Jesus Calling:
From Jesus Calling:
Bring me all your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn't have. Fear and anxiety still plague you. Feelings per se are not sinful, but they can be temptations to sin. Blazing missiles of fear fly at you day and night; these attacks from the evil one come at you relentlessly. Use your shield of faith to extinguish those flaming arrows. Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel. If you persist, your feelings will eventually fall in line with your faith. Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn't there. Anxiety that you hide in the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear: a monstrous stepchild. Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you.
Ephesians 6:10-18
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance...1 John 1:5-7
This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.Isaiah 12:2
Behold, God is my salvation;
I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song,
and he has become my salvation."
You've got the strength you need for a new week...
Sunday, June 26, 2011 at 04:50PM
Holley Gerth in Hope/Encouragement
I look at the days ahead and wonder.
Don't we all?
And then these words:
"Go in the strength you have...am I not sending you?" Judges 6:14
We don't have to...
wait to overcome our weaknesses,
complete the ten point improvement plan,
figure everything out.
The strength we already have is all the strength we need.
Because we have a limitless God within us who loves us.
As is.
And He promises to stick by us.
All the way.
Beyond your limits...Monday, June 13, 2011 at 09:51AM
Holley Gerth
A new week unfolds, full of possibilities. Yet I feel questions closing in on me like the walls of a box too.
Do I have what it takes?
Is there enough time?
How will it all work out?
Then a line my pastor spoke a few weeks ago at church drifts into my heart...
Your potential is not limited by you because you have a limitless God living in you.
Suddenly the walls disappear and I'm free, standing in wide open spaces and looking ahead to all God has for me.
Whatever you face this week, it is not too big for Him.
And whatever you think your limitations are, you are not too small for Him to use you.
So go for it, friend!
{I'm cheering you on as you do.}
You're going to make it over that wall...Friday, July 15, 2011 at 02:38PM
Holley Gerth
Hey you,
staring at that wall, wondering, "Is there a way over this thing?"
Oh, yes.
With God all things are possible. Matthew 9:26
He'll make a way.
And He'll help you climb, jump, knock-down, whatever it takes.
It may not happen in the timing you want. Or how you imagine.
But it will happen.
In the meantime, don't let that wall fool you.
It can't hold you back, keep you down, make you stuck.
Nope, walls don't have that much power.
And it's just a matter of time before your Jericho happens--
when the trumpet sounds and deliverance is yours.
There's no wall too tall.
No situation too difficult.
No challenge too great.
So press in, press on, and never give up
until that wall comes tumbling down.
Monday, July 18, 2011
The Battle is Real
"The story of your life is the story of a long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it." --John Eldredge
So, as pessimistic as it may sound, I feel like this quote paints a perfect picture of what I have been facing the past few weeks. I’ve tried to describe it to several different people, but I basically just feel crazy whenever I do… I feel like nobody understands. This spiritual battle can be a lonely one because, in a way, you have to face it alone… nobody else can see or feel the attacks… nobody else knows you’re being attacked… and even when you try to share the pain from the attacks, it’s not as real to anyone else as it is to you. I know people are praying for me, and I know I’m not alone. God is so faithfully fighting for me, even when I can’t feel that; and He has surrounded me by incredible people that are so patient with me. Yet this battle is wearing me down…
To give you the full story, I guess it really started right after I decided to go to China (although I saw glimpses of it weeks before that). Instead of being excited about this amazing door God had opened, I was scared out of my mind. People kept telling me that being afraid isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it was crippling. It was stealing my joy… whenever I thought about China I felt sick… it was an exhausting burden to carry around… and I couldn’t shake it. I knew all the ‘right words’. I was reading through Deuteronomy, and time after time, God commanded the Israelites not to fear. He reminded them of all He had done—starting with His bringing them out of Egypt and continuing through every miraculous evidence of His faithful care for them. Why should they fear? It was absolutely ridiculous the way the Israelites ran back to fear over and over again when God over and over again showed Himself so faithful. As I read through this book, I was so convicted by my own fear. Why was I afraid? God has shown just as much faithfulness throughout my life as He did through the Israelites. He has *never* let me down, and He has endlessly shown Himself to me, bringing me unscathed through the toughest times I’ve had to face. But the fear was still there—very powerfully evident in my every day. I limped through each of these days, being overwhelmed by fear and not knowing how to overcome it, until Saturday, July 9th, when God broke through. I was again reading in Deuteronomy, encountering the same instructions not to fear, and feeling yet again helpless in figuring out how to heed those instructions. I called my mom and asked for her prayers, and she prayed for me on the phone right away. I then got off, read some more out of Deuteronomy, and finished a chapter in the book Radical. And God did some radical things for sure. Again, every time I try to explain what happened, I realize that only I will ever *fully* know the huge work God did in my heart… but He really rocked my world. Everything I read in that chapter was exactly what I needed to hear. It was like God used the words to chip away at the burden on my shoulders, until He finally destroyed it altogether, leaving me feeling… free. The main quote that continued ringing through my heart came from a man named C. T. Studd:
Too long have we been waiting for one another to begin! The time for waiting is past!...Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, aye, before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby-pamby Christian world, we will dare to trust our God,…and we will do it with His joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die trusting only in our God than live trusting in man. And when we come to this position the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight. We will have the real Holiness of God, not the sickly stuff of talk and dainty words and pretty thoughts; we will have a Masculine Holiness, one of daring faith and works for Jesus Christ.
God completely lifted the burden that I had been struggling to stand up underneath. He simply removed it. The fear was gone. In its place was a joy and excitement that had been eluding me since I had made the decision to go to China. I would dare to trust my GOD! And I would do so with unspeakable joy singing in my heart! I didn’t have to fear China or anything else, because God would have His way. Yes, it’s true that, on my own, this China journey would be disastrous. But I am not going on my own. I am going with the God who has called me there, and He will use my weaknesses to show His power! Victory. Victory through my sweet Jesus. He fought for me, and He brought victory that I had been and would remain powerless to attain by myself. It was so beautiful. I couldn’t help but just worship Him and thank Him…
But sadly, I feel like I’ve lost sight of that victory. The battle and the attacks have become progressively more intense, and I don’t know how to fight or even how to continue to stand. Before, I could explain ‘what’ it was that was bothering me—fear—but now I can’t even fully put into words how I am being attacked. It’s as if the enemy is attacking my heart and tearing down my very person. I don’t feel like me anymore. I’m sad and frustrated and even almost angry inside… and that’s not who I am. I’m so heavy and weighted down again. I feel dead inside. I am defeated. I don’t know how to fight… I can’t even ask people to pray for me anymore. I spend about as much time crying as I do not. And even just writing all of this, I feel so dramatic and ridiculous! How can something so invisible as this spiritual battle be so real and deep and intense that it is tearing me apart inside? I am in a bad place, and I don’t know how to leave here. I’m going to China, but part of me feels like it doesn’t matter… like it doesn’t matter where I am, I will be defeated. I have no hope, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. But my God is fighting for me. I pray for victory… I pray that He brings victory to defeat the hopelessness I am facing—just as He did to overcome my fear. I can’t continue to fight on my own because I am too weak… but He isn’t. Deuteronomy 32:36 says, “For the LORD will vindicate His people, and will have compassion on His servants, when He sees that their strength is gone.” And 31:8 says, “The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” My strength is gone, so I pray that He will have compassion on me… I pray that He will go ahead of me, be with me, and will not fail me or forsake me…
…I am in desperate need of Him; and as I write that one statement, I wonder if, for a season, maybe this isn’t such a bad place to be after all… I think the enemy knows what I can be and do through my God who wants to be and do crazy things through me. I am nothing and can do nothing. But the God inside of me brings fear to the enemy. So that same God inside of me can bring victory over the enemy’s attacks! Until I see that victory, I must remain completely, desperately dependent upon my Jesus and remember His truths and His promises...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Beginnings of a New Journey
So I'm going to China. The countdown is 55 days... I've known for about 7 days (since July 7th) that I was going... and what a journey those days (along with the preceding few weeks and months) have been... such a journey that I decided it should probably be documented. I'm a pretty informal writer, so the documentation won't be anything special. But I'll try to be genuine and just share my heart and what God is teaching me on this journey. So much has happened in the past month that I'm not quite sure where to start. So here goes some sort of attempt to put things into some sort of order...
This China door basically jumped up out of nowhere on June 21st when I was online searching for some more tutoring positions. But God had been preparing my heart for it. I've been reading the book Radical, and He's been rocking my world. So even before finding this position, I'd been questioning what exactly I was 'supposed' to be doing with my life. Because of where He had me with all of that, finding the China opportunity was very interesting, but I didn't think it would go anywhere. I sent in my resume and cover letter and heard back within 16 minutes from the hiring person setting a date for a skype interview. Alrighty then...
This skype interview happened the next Wednesday, June 29th, and it seemed to go well. I still, however, didn't think anything would happen with it at this point, since I was supposed to be here for my little sister coming to Liberty in the fall, and since I had interviewed with an adoption agency with which I was really excited about working. After not hearing back from the adoption agency--and just trying to mentally sort through everything--I asked God to shut the adoption agency door if He wanted me to go to China. Ask and ye shall receive? The very next day, I was praying again... asking God to shut the door--just as He had done at other times in my life--clearly and powerfully removing that other option if China was His plan for me. Soon after I finished this prayer, the adoption agency called back. Long story short, the position that had seemed so perfect before had changed into a public relations/marketing position for which I was no longer really qualified. Aaaand... door #1 closed. Bam.
I started crying before I even got off the phone. I had told God I would go to China if He wanted me there. But what was I thinking? I couldn't go to China. I couldn't leave my family... my friends... Carmen... Andrew... I couldn't move to another country where nobody would understand me and where nobody would be there to support me. I couldn't this... I couldn't that... I couldn't... couldn't... couldn't... it was quite an overwhelming moment. But the beautiful realization hit me through the tears that God had been orchestrating this moment. The reasons for the timing of this open door all started to play before my eyes like a movie, and I voiced aloud through the tears, "This is good... this is exciting." God gently showed me His ever-faithful hand in the past months and years and how He had been using my time here for beautiful things... and preparing me for this next adventure at the same time. This was good... this is good.
So that is a rough summary of the beginning of this new journey. Since that beginning I feel I have faced deeper, more powerful spiritual warfare than I've ever experienced. I'll share that later, so I can get some sleep now. But in closing, despite the chaos I have felt inside of me and am still struggling through, God is so good. He will have victory, and I can rest in knowing that He is fighting for me.
This China door basically jumped up out of nowhere on June 21st when I was online searching for some more tutoring positions. But God had been preparing my heart for it. I've been reading the book Radical, and He's been rocking my world. So even before finding this position, I'd been questioning what exactly I was 'supposed' to be doing with my life. Because of where He had me with all of that, finding the China opportunity was very interesting, but I didn't think it would go anywhere. I sent in my resume and cover letter and heard back within 16 minutes from the hiring person setting a date for a skype interview. Alrighty then...
This skype interview happened the next Wednesday, June 29th, and it seemed to go well. I still, however, didn't think anything would happen with it at this point, since I was supposed to be here for my little sister coming to Liberty in the fall, and since I had interviewed with an adoption agency with which I was really excited about working. After not hearing back from the adoption agency--and just trying to mentally sort through everything--I asked God to shut the adoption agency door if He wanted me to go to China. Ask and ye shall receive? The very next day, I was praying again... asking God to shut the door--just as He had done at other times in my life--clearly and powerfully removing that other option if China was His plan for me. Soon after I finished this prayer, the adoption agency called back. Long story short, the position that had seemed so perfect before had changed into a public relations/marketing position for which I was no longer really qualified. Aaaand... door #1 closed. Bam.
I started crying before I even got off the phone. I had told God I would go to China if He wanted me there. But what was I thinking? I couldn't go to China. I couldn't leave my family... my friends... Carmen... Andrew... I couldn't move to another country where nobody would understand me and where nobody would be there to support me. I couldn't this... I couldn't that... I couldn't... couldn't... couldn't... it was quite an overwhelming moment. But the beautiful realization hit me through the tears that God had been orchestrating this moment. The reasons for the timing of this open door all started to play before my eyes like a movie, and I voiced aloud through the tears, "This is good... this is exciting." God gently showed me His ever-faithful hand in the past months and years and how He had been using my time here for beautiful things... and preparing me for this next adventure at the same time. This was good... this is good.
So that is a rough summary of the beginning of this new journey. Since that beginning I feel I have faced deeper, more powerful spiritual warfare than I've ever experienced. I'll share that later, so I can get some sleep now. But in closing, despite the chaos I have felt inside of me and am still struggling through, God is so good. He will have victory, and I can rest in knowing that He is fighting for me.
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