A Broken String

So I broke a guitar string today. Except the strange thing is that 'I' didn't really break it. Actually, I don't know why it broke. So I decided that there had to be a reason, and maybe the reason was that God wanted to teach me something through it, so we're gonna go with that. :)

So I found out tonight--by accident--that my roommate might be leaving China. Apparently I wasn't supposed to know, because she didn't tell me. But my other co-worker did, without knowing I didn't know. It came as such a shock... and *not* a good shock, to say the least. I met my roommate last August in Richmond when we had a few days' training before moving to China. We found out then we would be roommates for our year in China. And since then, having her in my life has been more of a blessing than I can even explain. I'd say we're fairly similar in personalities, and we basically just hit it off since the beginning... probably since the first day of training when she said we should get a bubble machine and disco ball for our apartment. Umm... heck yes? :) Initially I had thought I didn't want a roommate, but now I wouldn't have it any other way. We've been on this whole China adventure together, and I can't imagine what it would have been like without her. I know God put us in each other's lives... He knew that we would need each other on this journey. All of the other American instructors here just have such different lifestyles that rooming together would have been tough. But Allison and I... we just fit. I know it wasn't an accident that we ended up here together... and the thought of that ending with 6 months left to go... was pretty much devastating. So as I got off the phone with my co-worker, I let it all sink in and tried not to overreact (which apparently is difficult for me, since I initially started crying when I found this out... ;). I started praying through it all and then decided to just spend some time praising God... because He does know what He is doing... He is good... He is worthy of our trust. So I pulled out my guitar and just started singing. It was a sweet time, although I ended it still just feeling really heavy. I then spent some time praying for Allison. And as I was finishing that, my guitar--which I had previously set gently on my bed--made a resounding 'poing' as one of the strings snapped in two. I hadn't touched it. I hadn't just finished playing it. I hadn't done anything to it. Why did a string snap? Well, for dramatic, over-reactive girl, apparently that was the last straw... or the last string (bahaha... come now, you know you laughed). So I started crying... again. I suppose the broken string was a better picture of how I 'wanted' to feel with the tough news I'd just gotten. And I don't know... something about it was just triggering... I had just recently finished getting my guitar fixed, so I could worship with it again... really the best way I know how to do that here. Why did a string have to break? I'm really not a guitar person, so much so I don't even know how to change a string. And now, as I innocently sat away from my guitar, without even touching it, this string had snapped... right as I was trying to figure out how to cope with this not-so-wonderful news. But even as I released some of that emotion that wanted out, I tried to figure out what I could learn from this. Connecting the two events in my mind, I realized that God is just as in control of mine and Allison's lives as He was of that string breaking. Now we can sit here and argue over whether or not God broke my guitar string. But it all comes down to this... He is an all-knowing God. I mean, good grief, He knows how many hairs are on my head--a number that is constantly changing, as you'd well know if you ever simply ran your fingers through my hair. He cares about the tiny details in my life. He knew when the string would break, as well as how it would affect me at that moment. So whether or not you agree, I believe that He decided to let that string snap... or maybe even flicked it Himself. But oh so much more than He cared about that completely un-noteworthy event, He cares so deeply about Allison's life... and about my life... and about how both of our lives will change if she leaves China. Just as I asked why the stupid string on my guitar had to break without me even touching it... I could ask why my dear friend/roommate/China journey partner may end up leaving me. But as much as I wonder if God had something to do with that string snapping... I know that He is in complete control of mine and Allison's lives and whether or not she will stay or go. Just as He knew that we were supposed to begin this journey together... He knows how it's supposed to end. He knows what the next 6 months should look like, and He is so very good. I can trust Him. I don't have to know what's going to happen. I don't have to understand why it has to happen. I can simply know that HE knows what's going to happen. And HE knows why it has to happen. And He is just good. So that... is beautifully reassuring. Sure, I'm still sad that it might happen. But I know that whatever happens, we'll be okay... actually, as I believe I've said once before on this blog, we'll be better than okay. :) 

Wrestling with God

So I feel like I’ve been wrestling with God lately—searching for some understanding and clarity especially in the area of prayer. But until today, I hadn’t been getting any answers and didn’t know quite how to keep going. In fact, I really feel like there’s been a wall up between God and me. This all started several weeks ago as I started grappling over the issue of healing and praying for healing. What is that supposed to look like? Does God still want to heal today the way that He healed in the New Testament? Do we limit the healing He wants to do because we don’t ask for it or don’t believe that He will answer it? Are we supposed to pray in confidence that He will heal, the way His disciples did? What if He doesn’t ‘want’ to heal or has reasons not to do so? Do we pray ‘Your will be done,’ or is that simply praying without faith, trying to ‘give God (or ourselves) an out or excuse’ if healing doesn’t occur? Of course, I don’t have a shred of doubt that God *can* heal. But I do find myself living in great doubt that He ever will. It seems that these days He most often chooses not to… but is that because He has other plans, or because we limit Him, as His disciples did with their small faith (Matthew 17:19-20)?

After beginning this battle, I went to my English small group last Monday night and was driven even further into this quest. We listened to a message by a man who has lived in many different places—including the Middle East—because God took him to those places to serve Him. He told story after story of the intense things God did. Miraculous things. Mind-boggling things. The people from these stories spoke with confidence about what their God would do to show Himself to people, even when those people doubted. One story that stood out to me especially was when this family was living in the Middle East. They lived outside of the area that was protected by American troops, so it was very dangerous. The speaker’s two children had to travel through a very perilous area to go to and from school each day. He lived in anxiety that something would happen to them and finally couldn’t take it anymore. One night, he was out on the roof, and he just cried out to God… “God, I don’t believe that you are either capable of or willing to protect my children!” After crying out to God in this way, he happened to look over to the building beside him, and on the roof of the next building was an American soldier with a gun, standing guard. He proceeded to look to each side of him and saw soldiers positioned all around. Wow, right? But as encouraging as this story was on the surface, I couldn’t grasp it on a deeper level. God isn’t always willing to protect people’s children. He lets things happen. Children die. Parents die. Painful things happen, regardless of our prayers or the faith behind those prayers. If that’s true, why do we pray? What is the point? Who is prayer for? What good does it do? What is it supposed to look like? How do we pray in faith and confidence, having big faith for God to do big things, when He doesn’t always choose to? Are we supposed to pray with confidence? How do we know what we should pray for? Is it a lack of faith on my part when my prayers aren’t answered the way I pray them to be answered?

questions

                  spinning

                                  swirling

                                                    slipping

 

                                                                                startling

                                                                                                         scaring

            stealing…

  

I left that small group in tears, not knowing how to answer any of these questions. And for the next week, I continued not knowing how to answer these questions. I slipped further and further away from God as I didn’t see the purpose of prayer… why should I pray when God is going to do whatever He wants in the end? That question haunted me. I tried to pray, but my prayers were so half-hearted, they seemed empty. I didn’t believe He would answer any of them. And the times I prayed that He would help me answer these questions… would help me get past this blockage… I didn’t believe He would answer those prayers either. So I was stuck in the middle of this terrible circle… praying that I could get past my feeling that prayer didn’t matter, but not believing that I ever would because I didn’t believe He would answer that prayer either! Why was I praying? Why had I ever been praying? A wall began climbing higher and growing thicker between us.

And then I did the only thing I knew how to do, as I felt like I was drowning and starting to care less and less… I sent out a request to my prayer warrior team and just asked them to pray for me. If I couldn’t pray for myself, somebody would have to pray for me. It seemed a last ditch effort—one final pitiful attempt to salvage any of this part of me I was so quickly losing. But I’m writing today to tell you all… that God hears prayers. That’s the only thing I knew to do… but it must have been the thing I needed. Thank you all for praying for me when I couldn’t pray for myself.

I woke up this morning not feeling much different—maybe slightly less discouraged, but nothing huge. My mom had called while I was sleeping, so I called her back; and the longer we talked, it was as if the bricks of that wall were thrown down, one at a time, until… by the time I got off the phone, I felt like I could talk to God again without the emptiness. I could really talk to Him. And I did. And then I spent some time worshiping, thanking Him. At first I thought, wow, my mom had just the right things to say. But then it hit me… the prayers lifted up for me by those I asked… those prayers were answered. It was those prayers that had shaken me from the grasp the enemy had on me. I honestly believe that those same words my mom shared this morning could have been spoken to me before, and they would have done nothing, had people not been praying for me. The power of prayer rang through my heart again as I realized it was the very thing I had been doubting that was freeing me from that doubt… How ironically beautiful is that?

I’ll try to share some of what my mom shared with me, although more than the words themselves… I realize that God answered the prayers of those who lifted me to Him.

My mom shared that it’s not about whether or not our prayers are answered. God is bigger than that. He sees what needs to be done. But it is about praying… offering the prayer, but being willing for it not to be in His plan. She said she asked God the other day for a 4-leaf clover, so she could give it to someone she knew for a specific reason. She started glancing through the clovers, but didn’t want to take long and knew that it was okay if He didn’t want to give her one, so she stood up to leave. Still glancing down as she was beginning to walk away, she saw a clover that practically yelled out, J “Pick me! Pick me!” And there was her 4-leaf clover. A small example? Yeah… but pretty cool. She was then able to boast about God and the way He answered to the person she gave this 4-leaf clover to. She had the opportunity to praise God, which is what it’s all about anyways. Would she have been devastated had she not found a 4-leaf clover? Of course not. But it was cool when she did. She offered that prayer, and then was completely willing for it not to be in His plan.

Another thing that she said really hit me as well. She mentioned the whole idea of sensationalism—when we start looking at the healing, the miracle, the circumstance, the gold dust, the 4-leaf clover, the whatever… instead of God. That’s not what it’s about. When I heard story after story from that speaker about the incredible things that God did… my reaction wasn’t, wow, my God is incredible. My reaction was, what’s wrong with me or my prayers that I’m not seeing ‘those things’ in my life? Yeah, that fits pretty well with sensationalism, eh? That is not what prayer is about. And when it becomes about that in my mind, then I’m praying for the wrong reasons. But then she continued to say that, even though we don’t want to get caught up in sensationalism, that it is sensational when we walk by faith and see the ways God comes through. I had started taking notes on our conversation by this point, J so here’s what my mom said:

It is sensational when we can ask for a 4-leaf clover, find it or not, and be excited. I can ask for wisdom for the night and then just kind of let the night unfold—not manipulating, controlling, forcing… but yet being receptive. That’s sensational when He comes through. The stuff with Cassie [my friend that I’ve previously shared stories about all that God’s doing in her life]—that’s sensational; but you were just walking in simple faith and trusting, asking, hoping, throwing out a little something here and a little something there. But you know, when I read the story or hear you tell the story, it’s sensational. For you, it’s encouraging and sensational [now too], but in the process, it [was] just walking by faith, by trusting, hoping… but it’s sensational. Your friend that you prayed over for healing didn’t wake up the next morning and go, ‘Ahh! I’ve been healed!’ but we don’t know what’s been going on there. But it’s sensational that you were a little intimidated or uncertain of even approaching her, but… that you did that and that she responded so well. All those things in and of themselves seem so small and insignificant, but they’re really awesome. They’re a walk of trust. It’s right where He wants us.    

It is a walk of trust. It is right where He wants us… praying for things, but trusting Him with the results… trusting that His results are sensational, whether they seem to be or not… praying with confidence, yes—not necessarily confidence that He will answer the way we expect, but confidence that He will answer in the most sensational way, as God always does. Hearing story after story of what God is doing in someone else’s life sounds sensational because God does do sensational things. But He always does sensational things… in my life too… they just feel different because I live them out, one tiny, scared step at a time—not knowing what He’s doing now or is going to do next. He is a sensational God—as the dictionary says of this word, “exceedingly or unexpectedly excellent or great”… yes, that is my God. And I must remember to look at my sensational God, not the things He does—in someone else’s life or in my own. The things He does shouldn’t cause me to stay focused on those things, but should turn me directly back to Him.

So let’s ask for a 4-leaf clover, find it or not, and be excited… because whatever way He chooses to answer—whether we can understand or see it at the time—sure is going to be the most exciting, beautiful way we could ever imagine.

I still don’t understand prayer completely. I’m still wrestling—I’m sure there’s so much  more I haven’t grasped, a deeper faith that could change my prayer life and allow God to do even bigger things—and I’m sure I will continue this wrestling until I meet Him in Heaven. But I am so grateful to feel I have come to understand slightly and hopefully more deeply another little piece of it…

Thanks for praying me back, guys. Love you all.

                                                               

Recent Reminders

So I feel like I got a cool life picture during work yesterday. I've been in China for over 6 months now, and have taught up to as many as 23 classes a week, so I've definitely gotten used to teaching... Also, most of our classes have the exact same intro... same greeting, same format, same songs, etc... So I have done this intro countless times now. But yesterday, as I was doing the intro, I started thinking ahead to other parts of the class. I had a moment of worry over whether or not I had done something I needed to for the upcoming part of class. But as my mind wandered into the future over these things, I found myself forgetting where I was and almost messing up the intro that I knew all too well.  I managed to come back to the present just in time to only hesitate a moment before continuing with where I was... but this happened more than once. My mind would anxiously go to the next part of class, and I would start to fumble over where I was in the present. Even as all of this happened, the concept from this verse came clearly to my mind:

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." --Matthew 6:34

This verse settled into my heart more solidly than before, as God painted me this picture. If our minds are anxiously wandering into the future--whether the future is tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year, we can't be fully present where God has us right now. In my class, there was nothing I could have done at that moment to change whether or not I had prepared for the next part of class. Whatever was coming... was coming... and no worrisome thoughts could have prevented that. It would have come, all the same, and it would have been fine. If nothing else, it probably would have brought a good laugh for everyone, and we would have continued with the class. I feel like life is somewhat the same, except with more security. God has already written my story, and what's coming next... is coming next. No anxious thoughts about the future are going to help anything. They will only take me away from the present God wants me to be living in. And to take it a step further, no anxious thoughts about the future are necessary, for my good Father has prepared exactly what He wants for my future. Joy, sadness, excitement, pain, and whatever else could be coming my way, He is good, and He is bringing it. So I can rest in that and live right where He has me right now.

The one other cool reminder I got came this morning as I read from my Jesus Calling devotional:

Walk by faith, not by sight. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength. -2 Corinthians 5:7, Galatians 5:25

As I read that this morning, God took me back to the time before coming to China. I was scared out of my ever living mind, and--if I would have chosen to 'live life safely'--I would not be here right now. Living in my own natural ability and strength would have left me in Virginia. There's nothing wrong with Virginia, and life probably would have continued just fine there. But... as this devo says... I would have never known the thrill of seeing Him work through me the way He has. He has blown my mind with the lives He's already touched in China--not because of anything I've done, but just because I let Him take me here... so I was the person He decided to use. I'm humbled that He has chosen to use me... in ways that only He could--in His limitless strength. Before I came here, I was measuring the challenges against me in China against my strength, a ridiculous act for a child of God to do. I was walking by sight, not by faith. I pray that I stay available for Him to use...being used by Him is one of the grandest adventures. :)

Happy Valentine's Day!

God put this on my heart as I was thinking about Valentine's Day, and I wanted to share it. Love and miss you all!

Challenge from Others

Contentment in Singleness: is it possible? - Aaron Stern's Blog

Can't say how legit all the other posts on this blog are, but I found this one encouraging, challenging, and just speaking into my life... so I thought I'd share it. :)

Waking Up...

I feel like I’m on the brink of something huge… of letting God do something huge in my heart. I’ve been so dry. I’m in China, away from the solid support system I have always been surrounded by. Most of the time I’m around nobody that is like-minded—that has the same heart or the same faith. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to church since living here for the past four months. It’s as if I’ve been gradually drained of my passion, the fire that used to burn so brightly. Last week my friend from America stopped in Beijing on his way to Korea, and I was awakened to just how dry and discouraged I was. It hadn’t seemed bad until I was around someone ‘alive’ again. When he tried to talk to me about truth, I resisted. When he noted the lostness of the people surrounding us, I avoided it… because I *know* all too well that burden, and it feels too heavy to carry. What can I do about the utter despair of the people surrounding me in China? I can’t even speak to most of them… and I am so ‘alone’ on this journey. Or am I? I talked to my brother the other night, and he reminded me of the spiritual war that is raging. We are literally fighting an all-out war, and we can’t even see our opponents. My brother reminded me the importance of fasting and praying. The conversation was somewhat discouraging still, as I felt I had nothing left in me to give to what he was saying. But then he spoke some interesting words… he told me he had just prayed that I would be sent two extra angels. One angel alone, he noted, was pretty incredible to have; but he had requested that I have two extra to fight for me. It was touching to hear him talk like that. But more than touching, I woke up the next day feeling like someone extra was fighting for me. I felt like a different person. I felt like my eyes were re-opened to what we’re living for. Second Corinthians 4:18 resounded in my mind: “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” The reality of that verse is so much more clear living in China. If I fix my eyes on what I can see here, I will be drained of my meaning and purpose in life, because I can’t see any of what I could see so clearly when I was surrounded by the truth back home. Oh but if I look to the unseen all around me; if I remember the battle we are in and the lives we are fighting for; if I set my hope on the unseen One that is always carrying me, even though I feel so utterly alone on this quest; if I do all of that, then will I be living for what is eternal again.

Renewed. That is how I felt… and yet I know that the enemy is still warring to keep me complacent and to drain me of any fight that’s trying to come back to me. My dreams last night were discouraging—I struggled with sin and failed to be the woman God has called me to be. I felt almost defeated when I woke up, knowing that I could so easily fall back into that life. But even as I was hit by that twinge of beginning defeat, I also felt something else. I felt my heart trying to come alive even more. Memories of the things God has taught me over this past crazy year started fighting their way into my mind… they were broken bits and pieces of memories… but I felt desperate to grasp them and pull them up to continue this awakening process in my heart. I prayed for clarity of mind—that God would fully reveal to me what He was trying to remind me of. I can almost feel the spiritual battle happening in my own room this morning. It makes sense. I was about to ‘fall asleep’ into complacency and waste this year in China, where I have been called for some unknown purpose… but God is trying to wake me up. It’s happening in little steps, but it’s happening. I prayed last night that, just as He did the spring of 2010, God would help me really fall in love with Him again. When I so weakly and desperately prayed that prayer almost two years ago, He answered me in a way more real than I ever could have imagined. So I made the same request last night, with more hope and expectation than before, and I really want to believe him for just as real an answer in 2012.

So I’m here typing away this morning, trying to grasp what is slowly happening in my heart, before it fades away. I want to capture the memories that started trying to push their way into my fighting mind this morning… so I’m just going to start typing and see what comes out…

•   I remember being awakened with Carmen last year to the meaninglessness in which we so often live. We had a conversation with some friends about how we need to be more than just a different version of the world. The world might go and get plastered to have a good time, blatantly living a meaningless existence. But are Christians any better? Christians get together and play board games, spending their time together ‘innocently,’ while there is so much serving, loving, sacrificing, sharing, giving, and encouraging to be done. No, board games are not inherently evil. But if we let them consume our time together… what are they? These verses in Ephesians 15 seem so clear: “¹⁵Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. ¹⁸ Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” So even the time with other believers—should it not be spent worshiping, thanking, praying, interceding, encouraging, and uplifting each other? So wait, wait, wait… is this all a little bit extreme? Yes. And I believe we are called to extreme lives. Anybody remember the disciples and the Acts church? I am not trying to be some crazy legalistic person and say that we can never have fun. But I am trying to say that it makes sense... we wonder why God doesn't move in the big ways we saw Him move in the New Testament church... maybe it's because we are not spending the time asking Him to move the way they did... or spending our time letting Him do those big things through us that He wants to... Do we ask for big things and believe Him for big things? Or do we stay at home and watch movies, hoping that something big will happen at church on Sunday?

• Stepping out and serving… Carmen and I knew we needed to do something. What is this Christian life really supposed to look like? We do a lot of talking and not so much doing. How are we supposed to practically live out what we believe and talk so much about? So we started stepping out. We started trying to find places where we could serve, where we could be, so we could just be a light there. Door after door closed on us. The enemy tried to discourage us. But we kept going to the next door, the next door, the next door, until one swung wide open. God opens doors when we keep stepping out. Do we have to know what we’re doing? No, because He knows. One of the things Carmen and I always said to each other was, “figure it out as we go”… which really involved just going… and letting God figure it out for us. Not a bad way to live?

• Radical. Live radically. Many in the Christian community have settled for normal lives, not looking much different from all of the unbelievers around us. We are called to live radically, to die daily to ourselves, to pick up our crosses, to be the new creations that we are. What are we waiting for?

Memories… so much He has taught me… but what do I do with all of this? What does this look like in China, without my partner in crime/ministry I had in America? What does this look like in a place I can barely speak to people because of the language barrier? What does this look like when I have no other believers to speak to ‘with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit’? I’m not quite sure yet. I’m still figuring all of that out. So if you have any thoughts, send them my way. But more than anything, please keep praying. I feel like I’m tottering back and forth in between falling headlong one way or the other—either into a coma for the rest of the year, because I am so weak and drained and unsure of what all of this looks like in China; or into a passionate pursuit of knowing God in a whole new way and allowing Him to be my strength and use me this year in this place in ways I cannot even begin to imagine. I’m trying to learn to set my eyes and put my hope on the Unseen in China. The battle is real… it is raging… and I know I have only just seen the beginning. But I also know that I am the winning side.

Thank you for your prayers. Keep fighting this battle!

A Promise to Enjoy! :)

So I just heard these lines from a song that I thought related to the post I just wrote... so I figured I'd add them on here. 

"I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet."

He's changed me so much from when I took that first step... and I'm ever so thankful and can rest in the truth that He's not done with me yet! :)

Okie, that's all. Guess I'm just making up for not blogging in forever by writing two posts in one day. ;) 'Night!