Go in the strength you have...

So my mom has been here with me for the past few days, and it was wonderful. There was something about her presence that was very calming. We got so much done as far as prepping for China, and we had fun doing it... I think I would have cried through it all had I been doing it alone. So basically, it was such a blessing and an encouraging time. And then she left...

And then I realized that whenever I am alone these days, I seem to enter this 'can't function/cant get anything done/have mental and emotional panic attacks mode. It was so peaceful with Mom here, and I could get so much done; but as soon as she left, I didn't want to move a muscle to do anything to get ready for China. My mind started reeling, and I all of a sudden felt so so weak *yet again.* So I opened the Bible and picked up where I left off in Judges last. Israel yet again "did what was evil in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD gave them into the hands of Midian seven years. The power of Midian prevailed against Israel" (Judges 6:1-2). & then God had mercy on them yet again. He called Midian to lead them to battle against Midian... and I absolutely love the conversation that follows:

And the LORD turned to him and said, "Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?" And he said to him, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father’s house." And the LORD said to him, "But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man."

So first of all, God says "Go in this might of yours..." or as another version says, "Go in the strength you have"! As you keep reading, you'll quickly see how much strength that is...or is not, to be more accurate. Gideon's clan was the weakest around... and, on top of that, Gideon was the least in his family! So the strength that he had was pretty lacking, and Gideon quickly pointed that out to God. However, God didn't hesitate one moment. I can just picture God listening to Gideon spout off his spiel about how weak he is and then God saying, "I know, I know how weak you are. That's why I said, 'go in the strength you have'... it doesn't matter how weak you are, because I'm going with you!" Shabam. God doesn't call strong people, so that they are strong enough to accomplish things for His name. He calls weak people, so that He can accomplish things for His name through them.

The next really cool thing I got from this was over one more chapter. Gideon has gathered the army, God has weeded out the army so that there are only 300 men left to fight (so He can show everyone that HE was really doing the fighting), etc, etc... So Gideon has, so far, gone in the strength he had and been faithful in his weakness. Check out this verse:

Now the same night it came about that the LORD said to him, "Arise, go down against the camp, for I have given it into your hands. But if you are afraid to go down, go with Purah your servant down to the camp, and you will hear what they say, and afterward your hands will be strengthened that you may go down against the camp" (Judges 7:9-11).

God knew Gideon so well. He knew that, despite his obedience and faithfulness in doing what God was calling, he was still afraid. & God didn't strike him down or chew him out for that fear. Instead, He met Gideon right where he was--so graciously comforting and strengthening him. That's the God I serve. He calls us to big, crazy, scary, illogical things--like taking a 300-man army up against... what, a 135,000-man army? But He walks right next to us into and through those big, crazy, scary, illogical things... providing the strength and comfort we need along the way, not to mention how He actually does the fighting for us.

How does the battle end? The Midianites flip out and start turning on each other with their swords... and the rest is history. How about God doing that fighting for us, hm?

Anyways, I'm feeling rather like a weak Gideon today. So that just means that I can go in the strength that I have and watch God do some world-rocking, eh?

*Claiming Victory!*

So the book of Joshua ends with God so faithfully fighting for and bringing rest to His people. Joshua 21:43-45 says, "So the LORD gave Israel all the land which He had sworn to give to their fathers, and they possessed it and lived in it. And the LORD gave them rest on every side, according to all that He had sworn to their fathers, and no one of all their enemies stood before them; the LORD gave all their enemies into their hand. Not one of the good promises which the LORD had made to the house of Israel failed; all came to pass." What a beautiful picture of God fighting for His people and bringing them victory!

And yet after this magnificent, God-given victory, Judges chapter 1 is filled with these statements: "But Manasseh did not take possession..." "...so the Canaanites persisted in living in that land..." "...but they did not drive them out completely..." "...Ephraim did not drive out the Canaanites..." "...so the Canaanites lived in Gezer among them..." "...Zebulun did not drive out the inhabitants..." "...so the Canaanites lived among them..." "...Asher did not drive out the inhabitants..." "...So the Asherites lived among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land, for they did not drive them out..." "Naphtali did not drive out the inhabitants..." "...but lived among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land..." "Then the Amorites forced the sons of Dan into the hill country, for they did not allow them to come down to the valley..." I pondered the meaning of all of this as I read it and then read this note at the bottom of the page: "Like all other tribes, Dan had a territory given them, but they failed to claim the power of God to conquer that territory. Later they capitulated even more by accepting defeat and migrating to another territory in the N. becoming idolatrous (Jdg 18)." How tragic. What happened to the mind-boggling, other-nation-terrifying victory God had been giving to His people? What happened to the people of whom it was spoken, "One of your men puts to flight a thousand, for the LORD your God is He who fights for you, just as He promised you" (Joshua 23:10)? What happened to the miracles such as when God "sent the hornet before you and it drove out the two kings of the Amorites from before you, but not by your sword or your bow" (Joshua 24:12)? Did God stop fighting for His people?

Heck no.

God's people "failed to claim the power of God to conquer"! They stopped claiming His power, and they stopped claiming His victory; and I have only read through the first two chapters in Judges, but believe me... it gets bad real quick. In chapter 2, Israel already faces defeat before their enemies. How quickly can the enemy bring defeat when we stop claiming the power of God in our lives...

Man, friends, as crazy as the past few weeks has been, how beautiful it is to walk through these early books of the Bible and see the Bible absolutely come to life in my own journey. Yesterday, along with several other days in the past week or two, I stopped claiming the power of God in my life. I may have used the excuse that I had no strength left, and God needed to fight for me. But really, I gave up and stopped claiming His power and gave into defeat. I guess I decided I would let the Canaanites keep living in the land and would just live amongst them. I gave up on victory. Why why WHY would I give up on the victory that God wants to give me? I can so clearly see how ridiculous it was for the Israelites--when God gave them a territory--to give up on claiming victory over that territory. But how much harder is it to see in my own life how absolutely ridiculous it is to give up on claiming the victory that God wants to bring over the territory He has given to me?! Yesterday I realized that I have to do this China thing. I know that there is no way in my life I could decide not to go to China right now, because I know more clearly than probably anything else I've ever known in my life that I'm supposed to do this. BUT I do not want to go through this only because I know I have to... I do not want to go kicking and screaming. Man, I want to enjoy the ride... enJOY it! My dad reminded me the other day that God calls us to "Rejoice ALWAYS!" (1 Thess. 5:16). I need and want to have joy on this journey. I want to have victory on this journey... on the journey... not just at the end of the journey. I don't want to force my way through the next months and year in fear, struggling to get through it, clinging on for dear life. I want to soar on the wings of the ONE who's called me here and wants to give me the ride of a lifetime as I keep running His race! So I can accept defeat in my heart and go through the motions of doing what I know God has called me to do. OR I can claim the victory that is already mine in my Jesus and enjoy the crazy ride that God wants to take me on. Oooo what a difficult choice, eh? Man, I'm so ready to claim the power of God in my life... I'm so ready to claim the victory He wants to give me... I'm so ready to claim the territory He's bringing me to...

It's all so clear right now. I'm practically blinded by the brightness of the truth God is shining in my eyes. And I am absolutely joy-filled on this journey. Aaaand I am writing this down, because I don't know when the enemy will try to drown me in his lies again. The past few weeks, I have faced a spiritual battle that I've never encountered before. Maybe people think I'm being dramatic, but it has been more real to me than you can even imagine. And when the enemy starts hounding me, I slide pretty quickly back into a pit deeper than I know how to get out of. I'm blinded by lies instead of truth, and I literally cannot see past those lies, no matter what anybody says or what I tell myself. I get stuck. It's been an ugly cycle, and I'm ready to break that cycle... or let God break that cycle. It's only by His grace that I'm writing this post tonight. He has so faithfully picked me up every... single... time... that I've pitifully fallen and started drowning again. There's nothing I or anybody around me can do or say to pick me up from that spot... but somehow He does. And I want to claim the truth that He will either keep me up this time... or that He will pick me up yet again when I slip back down. I'm all about doing some claiming right about now. The enemy makes me think that there is nothing to claim. But God has shown me that there is oh so much He is just longing for me to claim--His power, His victory, and His JOY for starters.

I think I could go on forever at this point. But there it is... man, people, let's just stop failing to claim the power of God to conquer! He is just itching to do some conquering for us, so why on earth would we stop Him from doing that conquering?!

Thankful...

So I read this devotional back in June and shared it with my family because it was so encouraging. My mom just e-mailed it back to me tonight, and I needed to hear it more than ever. I've been a bucketful of tears tonight. But my heart felt so hopeful and refreshed after reading these words again. How does she always know what I need? ;) Thanks, Mom... and thanks, God, for reminding me of these truths...   

God-sized Dreams: The Disclaimers

I’ve been talking about God-sized Dreams for almost two years now on my blog. And I’m writing a book for Revell on them too. As I’ve put my pen to paper and fingers to keyboard lately, I’ve realized how differently this journey has turned out from what I’ve expected. It’s been good, so good, but there are also some things I wish someone had told me when I was getting started.
So, my friends, I’m sharing them with you.
I like to think of them as the Dream Disclaimers {thanks for the phrase, Denise!}
Disclaimer 1: You will never figure out what God is doing. Ever.
I’m the kind of girl who likes to have a strategy. Put it in a mission statement, powerpoint, or at least a well-thought out conversation. Before I ever go on vacation I’ve already picked out where I’ll eat every meal. I want to know the itinerary and the destination.
And I tend to ask God for both of those things. Ladies, He does not cooperate.
When it comes to God-sized Dreams, you might get the next step. You might catch a glimpse of the vision. You might know where you think you’re going. But then…
Our big, mysterious God shows up and you realize you don’t have a clue. His ways are beyond figuring out. This doesn’t mean you’re missing something, doing it wrong, or are wrong the path. It just means He’s God and we’re not.
That’s the best and hardest part all wrapped into one.
Disclaimer 2: The fear will never go away.
I remember the first time I ever went on a roller coaster. I sat next to my Dad, clenched the bar until my knuckles were white, and kept whispering over and over, “It’s gonna be fun. It’s gonna be fun.” God-sized Dreams feel a lot like that too. I thought at some point the fear would go away. It doesn’t–there’s always another hill, another twist and turn you didn’t expect, another reason why you don’t feel ready.
Get used to fear. It’s what pushes you into faith.
That knot in your stomach isn’t untying anytime soon–the only option is to accept it as part of the ride and even dare to enjoy it a bit. Put your arms in the air, feel the rush, and scream your guts out all the way into whatever it is God has for you. Wheee!
Disclaimer 3: You will never feel like you are enough.
If you tuned into my thoughts like a radio station, there would be a thousand versions of the same song playing. And the choruses would all have these two words, “When I….” I’ve told myself when my blog grew I’d feel like enough. When I got a book contract I’d feel like enough. When I finally learned how to accessorize I would feel like enough {thank you, TJ Maxx}.
But here’s a secret: Success can be even more frightening than failure because it comes with higher expectations. That’s why it’s so darn scary. Getting your “When I…” will never take that insecurity away–it will only put a magnifying glass to it.
BUT we don’t need to be enough. Because God says to our hearts, “You don’t have to be enough…because I am more than enough in you.” You’ve already got what it takes for your God-sized Dream because you have the ultimate Dreamer {and Fulfiller} living inside you.
I don’t know what dream is knocking on your heart today or what might be holding you back from opening the door. But let me lean in and whisper to you…
“Hey, beautiful girl, it’s okay. Let that dream come on in. You’ve got what it takes. You’re going to be okay. Even more than that–you’re going to change the world. It’s not going to be what you expect. Not at all. Oh, it’s going to be so much more.”
The world is waiting.
For you–wonderful, imperfect, glorious, God-filled, messy you.
knock-knock.
It’s your time.
And I dare you to turn the knob…

Got Joy?

So I found a note card I had used to take notes during one of our middle school Bible club messages. One of our co-leaders had challenged us to write a list of the things we wanted to be accomplishing with our lives. The top two I wrote down were: 1) Do something meaningful and 2) Live surrendered to Jesus. Another on the list was to 'love people.' I feel like all three of those things will happen through this China journey. So that was pretty super encouraging. :)

One of the items on the list, though, tugged at my heart as I realized I'm rather failing at living it out... and that is to 'be contagiously joy-filled.' I'd say I've been more 'contagiously defeated.' Pretty much lame. And I'd really love to change that!

So that's my goal for now. I may not know how I'm going to 'do life' the next week, month, and year... but I sure can focus on the next minute, hour, and day, and choosing to be contagiously joy-filled in those moments. So that's the plan... feel free to hold me to it. ;)

He Fights for Me...

So in an earlier blog post I wrote about my battle with fear and how God finally lifted that burden from me. Throughout that entire struggle, I was reading through Deuteronomy, and there was this constant theme of not fearing and instead trusting in God's proven faithfulness. This morning I was encouraged as I realized that God is again meeting me where I am every moment in this struggle... through every 'theme' I'm facing, He's providing truths and beautiful reminders in my life to meet me in that place. The past few days I've been feeling like I have no fight left in me. I'm so emotionally and mentally drained, and I've reached a desperation of hopelessness and helplessness to do anything about it. And so I read in Joshua this morning, since I've finished Deuteronomy. Israel started entering the land God promised them and called them to go in and take. As they fought nation after nation, God gave those nations into their hands like it was nothing... and, dude, this is so cool...: "Joshua captured all these kings and their lands at one time, because the LORD, the God of Israel, fought for Israel" (Joshua 10:42). Again and again this morning, I read that same line throughout Joshua... God stopped the sun in the middle of the sky for an entire day, "for the LORD fought for Israel...." "the LORD confounded them before Israel..." "the LORD threw large stones from heaven on them..." "the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the sons of Israel..." "The LORD gave it also with its king into the hands of Israel..." And finally, tons of these kings/nations/armies decided to collaborate to defeat Israel together, because they saw everyone falling before them. Joshua 11:4 says, "They came out, they and all their armies with them, as many people as the sand that is on the seashore, with very many horses and chariots. So all of these kings having agreed to meet, came and encamped together at the waters of Merom, to fight against Israel." The power of God and His people was reaching everywhere, so all of these forces decided to unite to end this thing... as many people as the sand on the seashore! "Then the LORD said to Joshua, 'Do not be afraid because of them, for tomorrow at this time I will deliver all of them slain before Israel..." (Joshua 11:6). It goes on to tell of Joshua and Israel defeating every single one of them... and then, one other thing caught my attention... "For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, to meet Israel in battle in order that he might utterly destroy them, that they might receive no mercy, but that he might destroy them, just as the LORD had commanded Moses" (Joshua 11:20). It struck me that God didn't just protect Israel from these nations that decided to come attack them. God actually hardened these nations hearts to cause them to go against Israel in battle, in order that He could defeat them and give Israel the land He had promised them and called them to go in and take! Let that one sink in.......

God hardened nations' hearts so that they would attack His people. If you stop there, that sounds pretty bad. But that isn't where it ends! God then fought for His people to bring them into a place of freedom--a place that He had set apart for His people. The God of Israel fought and won every one of those battles... and that is the same God that I serve... the same God that is fighting for me today and has been fighting for me every second of this battle I have been facing. Who am I to resent this battle when my God may have even caused the enemy to come up against me so that He could fight for me and accomplish His purposes--beautiful purposes that I can't even begin to comprehend without seeing the picture God sees?

My merciful, faithful, loving God reminded me this morning that He is fighting for me. He knows I have no strength left inside of me, and He is powerfully meeting every enemy and battle that comes to meet me. My God is so good...

Beautiful Reminders

So I read devotional after devotional this morning that spoke right to what I'm facing and figured I'd share them with you. Hope you enjoy! :)

From Jesus Calling: 

Bring me all your feelings, even the ones you wish you didn't have. Fear and anxiety still plague you. Feelings per se are not sinful, but they can be temptations to sin. Blazing missiles of fear fly at you day and night; these attacks from the evil one come at you relentlessly. Use your shield of faith to extinguish those flaming arrows. Affirm your trust in Me, regardless of how you feel. If you persist, your feelings will eventually fall in line with your faith. Do not hide from your fear or pretend it isn't there. Anxiety that you hide in the recesses of your heart will give birth to fear of fear: a monstrous stepchild. Bring your anxieties out into the Light of My Presence, where we can deal with them together. Concentrate on trusting Me, and fearfulness will gradually lose its foothold within you.

 Ephesians 6:10-18

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end keep alert with all perseverance...

1 John 1:5-7

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

Isaiah 12:2

Behold, God is my salvation;
   I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song,
   and he has become my salvation."

You've got the strength you need for a new week...

Sunday, June 26, 2011 at 04:50PM
Holley Gerth in Hope/Encouragement

I look at the days ahead and wonder.
Don't we all?
And then these words:
"Go in the strength you have...am I not sending you?" Judges 6:14
We don't have to...
wait to overcome our weaknesses,
complete the ten point improvement plan,
figure everything out.
The strength we already have is all the strength we need. 
Because we have a limitless God within us who loves us.
As is. 
And He promises to stick by us.
All the way.

Beyond your limits...

Monday, June 13, 2011 at 09:51AM
Holley Gerth

A new week unfolds, full of possibilities. Yet I feel questions closing in on me like the walls of a box too.
Do I have what it takes?
Is there enough time?
How will it all work out?
Then a line my pastor spoke a few weeks ago at church drifts into my heart...
Your potential is not limited by you because you have a limitless God living in you. 
Suddenly the walls disappear and I'm free, standing in wide open spaces and looking ahead to all God has for me.
Whatever you face this week, it is not too big for Him. 
And whatever you think your limitations are, you are not too small for Him to use you.
So go for it, friend! 
{I'm cheering you on as you do.}

You're going to make it over that wall...

Friday, July 15, 2011 at 02:38PM
Holley Gerth 

Hey you,
staring at that wall, wondering, "Is there a way over this thing?"
Oh, yes.
With God all things are possible. Matthew 9:26
He'll make a way.
And He'll help you climb, jump, knock-down, whatever it takes.
It may not happen in the timing you want. Or how you imagine.
But it will happen.
In the meantime, don't let that wall fool you.
It can't hold you back, keep you down, make you stuck.
Nope, walls don't have that much power.
And it's just a matter of time before your Jericho happens--
when the trumpet sounds and deliverance is yours.
There's no wall too tall.
No situation too difficult.
No challenge too great.
So press in, press on, and never give up
until that wall comes tumbling down.

The Battle is Real

"The story of your life is the story of a long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it." --John Eldredge

So, as pessimistic as it may sound, I feel like this quote paints a perfect picture of what I have been facing the past few weeks. I’ve tried to describe it to several different people, but I basically just feel crazy whenever I do… I feel like nobody understands. This spiritual battle can be a lonely one because, in a way, you have to face it alone… nobody else can see or feel the attacks… nobody else knows you’re being attacked… and even when you try to share the pain from the attacks, it’s not as real to anyone else as it is to you. I know people are praying for me, and I know I’m not alone. God is so faithfully fighting for me, even when I can’t feel that; and He has surrounded me by incredible people that are so patient with me. Yet this battle is wearing me down…

To give you the full story, I guess it really started right after I decided to go to China (although I saw glimpses of it weeks before that). Instead of being excited about this amazing door God had opened, I was scared out of my mind. People kept telling me that being afraid isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it was crippling. It was stealing my joy… whenever I thought about China I felt sick… it was an exhausting burden to carry around… and I couldn’t shake it. I knew all the ‘right words’. I was reading through Deuteronomy, and time after time, God commanded the Israelites not to fear. He reminded them of all He had done—starting with His bringing them out of Egypt and continuing through every miraculous evidence of His faithful care for them. Why should they fear? It was absolutely ridiculous the way the Israelites ran back to fear over and over again when God over and over again showed Himself so faithful. As I read through this book, I was so convicted by my own fear. Why was I afraid? God has shown just as much faithfulness throughout my life as He did through the Israelites. He has *never* let me down, and He has endlessly shown Himself to me, bringing me unscathed through the toughest times I’ve had to face. But the fear was still there—very powerfully evident in my every day. I limped through each of these days, being overwhelmed by fear and not knowing how to overcome it, until Saturday, July 9^th, when God broke through. I was again reading in Deuteronomy, encountering the same instructions not to fear, and feeling yet again helpless in figuring out how to heed those instructions. I called my mom and asked for her prayers, and she prayed for me on the phone right away. I then got off, read some more out of Deuteronomy, and finished a chapter in the book Radical. And God did some radical things for sure. Again, every time I try to explain what happened, I realize that only I will ever *fully* know the huge work God did in my heart… but He really rocked my world. Everything I read in that chapter was exactly what I needed to hear. It was like God used the words to chip away at the burden on my shoulders, until He finally destroyed it altogether, leaving me feeling… free. The main quote that continued ringing through my heart came from a man named C. T. Studd:

Too long have we been waiting for one another to begin! The time for waiting is past!...Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, aye, before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby-pamby Christian world, we will dare to trust our God,…and we will do it with His joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die trusting only in our God than live trusting in man. And when we come to this position the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight. We will have the real Holiness of God, not the sickly stuff of talk and dainty words and pretty thoughts; we will have a Masculine Holiness, one of daring faith and works for Jesus Christ.

God completely lifted the burden that I had been struggling to stand up underneath. He simply removed it. The fear was gone. In its place was a joy and excitement that had been eluding me since I had made the decision to go to China. I would dare to trust my GOD! And I would do so with unspeakable joy singing in my heart! I didn’t have to fear China or anything else, because God would have His way. Yes, it’s true that, on my own, this China journey would be disastrous. But I am not going on my own. I am going with the God who has called me there, and He will use my weaknesses to show His power! Victory. Victory through my sweet Jesus. He fought for me, and He brought victory that I had been and would remain powerless to attain by myself. It was so beautiful. I couldn’t help but just worship Him and thank Him…

But sadly, I feel like I’ve lost sight of that victory. The battle and the attacks have become progressively more intense, and I don’t know how to fight or even how to continue to stand. Before, I could explain ‘what’ it was that was bothering me—fear—but now I can’t even fully put into words how I am being attacked. It’s as if the enemy is attacking my heart and tearing down my very person. I don’t feel like me anymore. I’m sad and frustrated and even almost angry inside… and that’s not who I am. I’m so heavy and weighted down again. I feel dead inside. I am defeated. I don’t know how to fight… I can’t even ask people to pray for me anymore. I spend about as much time crying as I do not. And even just writing all of this, I feel so dramatic and ridiculous! How can something so invisible as this spiritual battle be so real and deep and intense that it is tearing me apart inside? I am in a bad place, and I don’t know how to leave here. I’m going to China, but part of me feels like it doesn’t matter… like it doesn’t matter where I am, I will be defeated. I have no hope, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. But my God is fighting for me. I pray for victory… I pray that He brings victory to defeat the hopelessness I am facing—just as He did to overcome my fear. I can’t continue to fight on my own because I am too weak… but He isn’t. Deuteronomy 32:36 says, “For the LORD will vindicate His people, and will have compassion on His servants, when He sees that their strength is gone.” And 31:8 says, “The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” My strength is gone, so I pray that He will have compassion on me… I pray that He will go ahead of me, be with me, and will not fail me or forsake me…

…I am in desperate need of Him; and as I write that one statement, I wonder if, for a season, maybe this isn’t such a bad place to be after all… I think the enemy knows what I can be and do through my God who wants to be and do crazy things through me. I am nothing and can do nothing. But the God inside of me brings fear to the enemy. So that same God inside of me can bring victory over the enemy’s attacks! Until I see that victory, I must remain completely, desperately dependent upon my Jesus and remember His truths and His promises...  

Beginnings of a New Journey

So I'm going to China. The countdown is 55 days... I've known for about 7 days (since July 7th) that I was going... and what a journey those days (along with the preceding few weeks and months) have been... such a journey that I decided it should probably be documented. I'm a pretty informal writer, so the documentation won't be anything special. But I'll try to be genuine and just share my heart and what God is teaching me on this journey. So much has happened in the past month that I'm not quite sure where to start. So here goes some sort of attempt to put things into some sort of order...

This China door basically jumped up out of nowhere on June 21st when I was online searching for some more tutoring positions. But God had been preparing my heart for it. I've been reading the book Radical, and He's been rocking my world. So even before finding this position, I'd been questioning what exactly I was 'supposed' to be doing with my life. Because of where He had me with all of that, finding the China opportunity was very interesting, but I didn't think it would go anywhere. I sent in my resume and cover letter and heard back within 16 minutes from the hiring person setting a date for a skype interview. Alrighty then...

This skype interview happened the next Wednesday, June 29th, and it seemed to go well. I still, however, didn't think anything would happen with it at this point, since I was supposed to be here for my little sister coming to Liberty in the fall, and since I had interviewed with an adoption agency with which I was really excited about working. After not hearing back from the adoption agency--and just trying to mentally sort through everything--I asked God to shut the adoption agency door if He wanted me to go to China. Ask and ye shall receive? The very next day, I was praying again... asking God to shut the door--just as He had done at other times in my life--clearly and powerfully removing that other option if China was His plan for me. Soon after I finished this prayer, the adoption agency called back. Long story short, the position that had seemed so perfect before had changed into a public relations/marketing position for which I was no longer really qualified. Aaaand... door #1 closed. Bam.

I started crying before I even got off the phone. I had told God I would go to China if He wanted me there. But what was I thinking? I couldn't go to China. I couldn't leave my family... my friends... Carmen... Andrew... I couldn't move to another country where nobody would understand me and where nobody would be there to support me. I couldn't this... I couldn't that... I couldn't... couldn't... couldn't... it was quite an overwhelming moment. But the beautiful realization hit me through the tears that God had been orchestrating this moment. The reasons for the timing of this open door all started to play before my eyes like a movie, and I voiced aloud through the tears, "This is good... this is exciting." God gently showed me His ever-faithful hand in the past months and years and how He had been using my time here for beautiful things... and preparing me for this next adventure at the same time. This was good... this is good.

So that is a rough summary of the beginning of this new journey. Since that beginning I feel I have faced deeper, more powerful spiritual warfare than I've ever experienced. I'll share that later, so I can get some sleep now. But in closing, despite the chaos I have felt inside of me and am still struggling through, God is so good. He will have victory, and I can rest in knowing that He is fighting for me.